20031229
Jesus, who?
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year~!!!!!
Although, I don't understand why Christmas is being celebrated... Jesus couldn't have been born on the 25th of December in a stable in a cave... with a bright star shining on top (like a flashlight) guiding the wise men (not three, who the hell said three? Marco Polo said that he saw the graves of the three... would a King be only attended by three?) and attended by shepherds and angels...
hold it!.... how cold does it get in the Bethlehem area during the winter solstice? according to reliable sources, it gets very cold... very unhealthy for a pregnant woman to give birth in a stable... much less ride on a donkey and trek for miles... shepherds couldn't have been present because they let the sheep graze during the warmer months... and, take this... the wise men must have come from babylonia or persia or somewhere 900kms. from Bethlehem by the crow's flight... it would have took them, more or less, 50 days to reach their destination if they saw the star that night Jesus was born since caravans at that time travel at the rate of 30kms per day (would you let camels gallop all the way)... so, when they arrived, where was Jesus?... i take that the Concorde was not yet available at that time, and the 900kms. i'm speaking of is a straight line from A to B... caravans take twists and turns...
I'm on a roll here, give me some time!....
How come only the gospel of Matthew has the Nativity sequence? And how come matthew is so fond of earthquakes?
According to tradition... Jews don't embalm their dead, but rather put spices and stuff and wrap in yards of linen cloth... the whole package amounting to about 150lbs... and, only a specific member of the family could do the rites... the wife, if he was married.. the mother, if he was a bachelor.. the sister, if he was an orphan and a bachelor... and then aunts and cousins in respective order... note, women only... one only... so, how come Mary Magdalene was the one depicted in the gospels? (tadaaan!) who the hell was she?
When Jesus was crucified to the cross, he couldn't have been nailed only in the hands, (as christian statues, paintings, etc., show)... the weight of the body would have totally ripped the hands out... he would have been nailed also in the wrists...
Romans don't let the people they crucify carry the entire cross... (duuh!) ... they only carry the horizontal bar (patibulum) ... the vertical one (the stipe) was permanently fixed to the ground... and, when they hang their criminals on the stipe, the cross forms a (T) ... not a (t)... and where were the apostles? why did they have to let Simon of Cyrene do the carrying? didn't Jesus tell them not to fear those who harm the body? the cowards!... oh, by the way, Jesus was one of them... how many times did he flee?.... hmmm....
POP QUIZ!: Who was the first one to be ressurected?
think about this question... consult the bible if you want... i think it can be found in matt.27 or 28...
the answer: Not Jesus! who were those whose graves were opened before Jesus was ressurected? And, I wonder why they didn't stir a commotion, waiting there, outside the city gates for three days... Imagine if your local graveyard was suddenly filled with the dead, er... alive... er... whatever!... this amazing thing would have landed smack dab in the scrolls of history... errm... can't seem to find it anwhere!... the people must have had an uncanny case of blindness and amnesia! And by the way, Jesus rose on the second day... not the third... Think about it!
The day is divided into three... morning, afternoon, evening...
Jesus died on a Friday evening (6pm)... count one evening... then the next day, Saturday... one morning, two evenings, one afternoon... then... uh oh... Sunday morning? that's all in all... two evenings, two mornings, and one afternoon... I suppose the gospel writers didn't know how to count eh?
Still confused?... ok... you book a weekend trip for your family that starts on the Friday and lasts for three days... lets say you arrive at your destination Friday at 3pm and you are all settled down by 6pm, you have a late dinner and sleep because you are tired from all the activities. The next day is Saturday, you take you and your family out for shopping and then return when night comes... you sleep... The next morning is Sunday, your room phone rings at around sunrise and the person on the other line tells you that your three days are up and you have to go... what do you do? complain? talk to the manager? or pack your bags and walk away (that's what Jesus kind of did, by the way)?
POP QUIZ2!: Who ascended to heaven the first?
again, the bible... old testament this time...
My christian education in grade school told me that Jesus was the first... did I get the chewing of my life when I told her that Elijah was the first one... but I had the Bible to back me up... duhh.... you know what she made me do? She made me kneel in front of a picture of Jesus and say sorry for the sin I commited!...
POP QUIZ3!: Okay... there was adam, eve, cain, abel... cain killed abel and he was banished to the land of Nod, and there he met his wife... (lets forget about the wife for now)... of course, adam and eve must have had more children, and their children after that... wait... so it was one incestous family eh? come on, supply me with the knowledge that this was not an incestous family!....
POP QUIZ4!: Granting that Noah made the ark... granting that all the animals in the world were there... granting, that they stayed there for almost a year... (40 days and 40 nights, and they still had to wait for the waters to subside)... where the hell would they put the manure?... better yet... how did they feed the exotic animals?... koalas need fresh eucalyptus leaves every day... polar bears... oh... I can't start to think what happened to the poor things inside the hot ark!
POP QUIZ5!: If AD started at year one... then the 2000th year should have been the 2001st, any elementary student could tell you that... so, how come the catholic church ordered it to be on the 2000th?.. hmm.... they invented the Roman calendar, by the way...
TRIVIA TIME!: Before Magellan proved that the world was round, the rest of the world considered those unbelievers heretics and were immediately disposed of (burned at stake, hanged, beheaded...) ... but when he did prove, they immediately lifted the law... hmm... so, what of the church leaders eh?
POP QUIZ6!: Was Jesus ever called Immanuel/Emmanuel? come on, where is it in the bible?
POP QUIZ7!: If you were the successor to the throne, anywhere you would have been, you would still be the heir... (example: your father owns land in batangas, and you live in Cebu... if, by chance, he dies and names it to you... you still inherit the land, wherever you may go!) so, if Jesus was heir to the Kingdom Eternal, he need not have been born in Bethlehem... why did Joseph allow his pregnant wife to travel all the way to Bethlehem? Because of the census, you say?... Mary did not belong in Bethlehem.. only Joseph... come on, the Romans are not that cruel not to excuse pregnant women at the verge of giving birth!
TRIVIA2!: according to the apostle Paul, one day to Him is equivalent to 1000 years... so, he spent six days creating (6000 years) and rested on the seventh and made it a holy day (1000 years of resting, that's not right!)... and, following chronology, and scholastic agreements... 5000 years have passed between adam and eve, and the birth of Jesus... two thousand since then... so, we're on the 7000th year (7th day)... so we should be all heretics at this time...
come on!.... I'm a heretic! It's your chance to save me from the pits of hell and have a place in the bosom of the Father!... :P i'm getting tired from all this.... there's a lot more, actually...
by the way, I'm a Free Thinker... if you ask me why I celebrate Christmas, it's because the whole world is... and, I admit, it's fun!
there are around 2,200 christian sects and cults, each one promising eternal life, salvation, the works... now, which one is the real thing?
Christmas is for the pagans!
*fill in creepy music*
I HAVE RETURNED!!!! Hwekhekhekhek!
since sinimulan mo na aich... tatapusin ko ang xmas questions ninyo!! har har har!
ACHTUNG: if you don't want to raise more questions like this, don't read... you have been warned.
10, in particular:
1.) Who was born in a cave? (note that Jesus was born in a stable in a cave...)
2.) Who was born of a virgin?
3.) Who had 12 disciples?
4.) Who was the only begotten son of the Father?
5.) Who was visited by wise men guided by a star at his birth?
6.) Who created the universe and all things in it?
7.) Who died, ressurected, and bridged the gap between heaven and hell?
8.) Whose arrival is it that is celebrated every December 24-25?
9.) Whose birth was notified to shepherds by angels?
10.) Whose religion is it that religious sacrament is performed?
actually, daghan pa ang questions... kalimot lang ko sa uban...
and the answer is...
*drum roll*
*cymbal crash*
*high score sound ng 3310*
Mithras (known as other names in other religions)!!!!!.... born (according to history; check the books and hit the web) centuries before the appearance of Jesus Christ... hmmmm... sound fishy?
pasensya na sa akoa... medyo nakainom ko... see, the time is now 2:28am!! yeheY!!!!!
mao ni ang akong gihimo tibuok pasko, mag-research sa connection sa lahi-lahi nga religion... and, would you believe, daghan kaayo!
I'm a heretic... go ahead and burn me to hell!
*hik*
20031216
20031213
Blast it...
Ouch... the pain... the excruciating, mind-blowing pain!
I woke up this morning with a stiff neck and I still can't turn my head to the left... kind of funny though... to be able to look to my left I have to move my whole body... it must be from sleeping the wrong way...
Really.. it hurts... but it's ok... at least I had fun in the last 24 hours...
wakka!
20031202
Dammit...
This is not an auspicious day for me... let me enumerate what happened this morning:
1. I woke up too late for my first class and too early for the next.
2. As I was riding on the jeepney, I realized that I left my wallet at home.
(So I went home...)
3. I left home the second time with my wallet and my guitar.
4. A few steps outside my gate, I strummed my guitar and the first string snapped.
5. So I went back home and left my guitar there. I left my home the third time.
6. Almost at the terminal, and I checked my bag... I left my writing portfolio at home. I can't go to school without it.
7. I went back home and picked it up. I left my home the fourth time.
8. I thought it was over... I accidentally touched a bit of paint on my way to school.... shet this...
What other forms of bad luck and maladies will I be facing today?... dammit... dammit... dammit...!!
20031127
Brooding...
It seems that I have lost any inspiration that I used to have... I can't write... No matter how hard I try, I'd only disgust myself for trying to reach the unreachable, trying to conquer the fathomless and scaling the evenly-smooth and shiny mountain... If I couldn't write well then, imagine how my words would turn out to be... Even writing this little entry tires my brain... wearies my soul.
I don't know why... It just stopped all of a sudden... The last time I wrote something was last week... A poem of sorts... It seems like that was my eulogy... my requiem... my last will and testament... even if I didn't think while writing it, it seems like my other personalities gave writing a shot and guided my hand... I tried to write a few hours later since I thought I had the inspiration to do so... it all ended up in the rubbish bin...
Perhaps it really isn't me who writes... maybe, deep down inside there is this (quotes aicha) "Dark, brooding, and bald-headed man" who is dying to come out and make himself known to the rest of the world that he exists within me, and that I am just a stubborn fragile little vessel trying to contain his building pressure... he might be sitting there in his quiet little way, plotting how to take control over this intransigent being... brooding...
Although, I'm happy... or am I? I can't quite figure out what I'm really feeling nowadays... I've been thrown in a whirlwind of chaos and confusion and realizations, it's surprising I still have the strength to go on...
Since last week I have been bombarded with answers to questions I never have thought of... My mind was opened to a legion of things, some interesting, some worthwhile, some even shocking... I will not type them here because there might be a possibility that someone I don't want to be reading might come across whatever is written here...
As for now, I will keep on hoping that the inspiration will come back... otherwise, I don't know how I would exist... Without this, I'd be desolate as a newly-nuked city...
20031126
20031122
Of Men And The Bible..
I don't mean to make enemies or make a stand but due to the words I heard from a person I trust with my life, I discovered a few... how do we say... views in the Bible... A book by God written by men through the inspiration of God.
I'm not here to make war or to change the mind of people... just my words. For the first time in a long time I finally feel like I'm lifted a bit:
Of Men and the Bible...
The Bible is a very unstable book... It's on the fast track to being nothing...
The college I'm in is run by Jesuit preists who, in my opinion, think that they are holier than thou... I, in my opinion, am forced to take up Theology for the next four semesters... why forced? because I have my own belief, my own religion, my own outlook in life, death, and God and then they start to hammer things into my brain... When time comes for discussions about the bible, I pray that my friends will stop me from applying what I'm typing down here. My whole outlook in the Bible changed because of these simple things that I discovered.
Since we will be using the New American Catholic Bible.... and since the school is run by Jesuit priests, we will be using the Roman Catholic viewpoint... So, based on the Bible, which we say is the word of God, written by men who were inspired by God...
1. Did the people of the biblical ages believe that the earth was flat or round?
You say round, then you don't know your bible... please read it again...
you say flat.... then God is one stupid God to tell his chosen people that the world was flat. Ask me to prove?... It's scattered all over the bible that the world has four corners... corners mean sides, sides means that there are angles... Our world, a sphere, does not have the least bit of a corner... Think about it.
2. The whole creation of life... We know now that the sun is older than the earth... it's a fact. So, how come in the bible, the earth came first, then God made the sun, the moon, the stars.... it was not until Galileo said that the earth revolves around the sun that people started to disregard Copernicus' Bible-based theory. And, it was not until space crafts were built that it was proven.
3. We all know about the deluge... it rained for forty days and forty nights... and, thanks to present knowlege of physics, I learned that even if it did rain for forty days and forty nights, the earth would only be flooded twenty feet. Ok... the bible said that the entire world was covered with water... where did the water come from? The waters now are the same waters then... so, what the heck happened?
4. What is God? Who is God?.... God is omniscient... omnipresent... all-knowing... all-seeing... everywhere and anywhere at the same time...
a. He created everything in the heavens and on earth... "He created everything" is what I learned for all my years under Jesuit education. So, since He created everything... He created hell right? And since He is present everywhere and anywhere, He is present in hell right? Oh, I'm not right? Ahh... so hell is an exception to His prescence?... Then that means there is a requirement, a restriction... Then that means, He can't be God.
b. He knows everything... He knows what I'm doing now, what I'll be doing tomorrow, what I'll be doing 10, 20, 30 years from now. This is because He knows everything. So, since He knows I've done it, I'm doing it, will be doing it.... since He knows this, will whatever I will be doing (bad, most especially) be something wrong? Will it be considered a sin? How come he does nothing to stop us from sinning? Because of free will? So, if he knows, if he knows everything... then it's not a sin anymore.
5. (Even I get confused when I think about this one) When Christ came, was there a religion present?... of course there was... What were the temples for? What was that religion? Judaism right?.... Who's religion was Judaism? God's right? So, God sent Jesus Christ, his only begotten son, to correct the mistakes that His religion was comitting... wait a minute... how come Christians were born?... Did Jesus tell the people to make an all new religion outside the religion of his Father?... Of course not! Since he is the embodiment of everything good, he would not turn his back against his father and create his own religion... he only told people to follow what's in their heart... "Father, thy will be done...
Am I going too far with my questions in life? I have started to question the existence of God... I know that you will tell me that the mind of man cannot even begin to fathom the mind of God... Ok, that's your belief... if you believe in Him then that is a God-given gift...
I, for one, am following my heart...
20031118
EDP
Yahoo!! finally, free internet every TTh....
I'm here to announce the birth of my new blogspot... visit please, from time to time... I'll be posting my stories and poetry and quotes there, from hereon...
Kudos!
Gravestone Peddler
20031111
Konbanwa!
I'm in this internet cafe in the middle of nowhere with Kit and Exel... much to my dismay, I forgot to bring my diskette with me... my computer logs are there and that's what I usually do... just paste them here when I feel like....
Since Aicha asked me a while ago who my muse of inspiration is, I couldn't stop thinking who really is... I don't... do I? I mean, I don't write because my muse visited me... I know muses... they have specific roles... I, for one, must have dozens of them because I don't know what I'd write, when I'd write... It just comes in like *poof!*...
Sometimes I just keep writing even if I don't understand what I'm writing anymore... (happens when I'm tipping between the land of sleep and awake)...
I'm have this little rage going on in me.... I want to but I can't... Somehow, with all the darkness in my neural net, I can't quite write the way I want to... write deep-down, abysmal thoughts on life and etc...
take, for example, Dark Shadows... (c/o crazyfox.suddenlaunch.com and aicha, for introducing me to his writings)... his mind must be one crazy field of imagination and experience... sometimes agonizing, sometimes inspiring.... but no matter what he writes, he writes well, and not just any well kind of well... writing that makes you think...
all I could do is put my thoughts, sometimes random, on paper... or here, in this blogspot.... most of them are tacky... but what can I do?.... I'm tacky... I'd be happy if somebody appreciated what I wrote but that's the extent of it... my vocabulary is not wide... I've been trying to work on it but nothing happens... I just keep dreaming of it and nothing ever happens... dammit... It's as if I'm destined to live out my life in mediocracy, looking up at the people I want to be knowing that whatever I do, I'd never think like the way they think....
20031106
Well.... that's it for today...
I'm spending money that does not belong to me and that's baaaaaaaddd!.... Ü
So, off I go.... I'm eating at EAYR (pronounced "ear" for... Eat At Your own Risk)... and I might be eating there every MWF before and after the frigging Biology Laboratory periods... dammit... classes end and 9... where's the justice in that?!?!?!?!
Letter From The Grave
I wrote this last year...
ahem...
Dear Honey,
You're never gonna know
How much you mean to me
I'm never gonna show
How my heart feels for thee
You never ever knew
How much I wanted to strangle you
Just to let you know
That I have feelings too
But it seemed like you didn't care
Even if I wore decent clothes on my underwear
It felt like you were turning your back on me
While you laughed along with the world
Then you pointed at me and said you were not for me
I felt like a fool
Chasing you around and everywhere
Even while its raining or in my dreams
When I am hyperventilating
I closed my eyes
And started to dream
But even in my dreams
You seemed so very very mean
You chased me with a gun
Knowing well that I shouldn't run
Coz I got asthma
And I could die if I'd run
It was obvious that you didn't care
Judging by the way you were yanking my hair
Slapping my face while
I was tied up to a chair
You were making me feel humiliating
While you've got a camera running
Then you sold it on Ebay
And made the whole world laugh at me
Yeah, you sold it on Ebay
And made the whole world laugh at me
Yours Truly, Me
Ps. I hope you've had enough fun....
Coz i'm coming to pick you up real, real soon...
Love you honey. :*tsup!*:
Listen
Listen…
My heart,
It cries like it did before
Seeking for refuge under
Roofless houses
Wet with tears,
Shaking in the cold
Listen…
It seeks for the
Strength to beat
Like it once did,
Millennia ago
Swollen with pride
Beaming with Joy
Listen…
It carries chains
Wrapped around itself
Making it
Unbearable to move
Shackled to the grounds of cowardice
Imprisoned within bars of cold steel
Listen…
It betrays the mind
And carries the weight
Of a thousand heartaches
That slowly kills
Each thought like swords that stab
Each word like drops of poison
Listen…
My heart,
Painfully throbs,
Gasping with each beat
Pleading for salvation
Looking up to the heavens above
Praying for mercy
Listen…
(forgive my rantings... Ü)
Ü
Konbanwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
I'm feeling like... I don't understand... you know?... you don't know....
It's just that I feel so free!!! Xl says that I'm better off than some other people in class since I have a 2.6WPA (84) and I carry only 19 units... I dunno if that's a good thing but no matter... I feel good!!! *insert funky music* tadadadada....
Anywayz.... I'm not feeling so hanging today... I don't know what to say... I'll just post some more of my writings since, amazingly, some people appreciate them...
To those who do... Arigato gozaimasu!Ü
20031103
The Moth
Each day brings me
Yet, closer to you
I’m drawn to you like
Moths under the streetlight
Images of you start filling
My empty nights
Vivid as reality itself, tormenting
Whatever existence is
Left in me
I have felt this before
And anything that happens next
Is malevolent, melancholy,
And torturing
I have grown used to your
Eyes and your smile
I feel that if we keep being
With each other
I just might fall…
… But it’s not right
You…
You belong to someone else
And I…
I’m just another fool in this world
Wanting what I
Can’t have…
I don’t know if you feel me…
I don’t know if you’re aware of my
Feelings towards you…
I suppress them too much…
I’m drawn towards you like moths
That dance around the candle
Drawing nearer and nearer
With each beat of its wing
Bedazzled by the fluttering flame
Enchanted by the heat
Drawn, with so much happiness…
… Until it’s too late…
The moth burns and flutters to the ground.
yahahha....!! i found something a lot of us might want to do....
click -> Top 50 things to do at the Final Exams (Last resorts only...)
I'm living a damn fantasy here, yep...
Aich-kun generously lent me her FF9 but only discs 1 & 2... imagine the frustration I got when the game asked for disc 3!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!!!.... well, I've gotta find someone who has both discs 3 & 4 before the semestral break ends lest I go bonkers and find a katana somewhere and -- Tenchu-style -- kick some ass.... slash, hack, sneak, pierce... *thwak, thwok, slatchh....* take that you meddlesome arse-holes!!!
I noticed something... the final fantasy series... 7, 8, and 9... the hero's girl has long straight hair and some kind of serious in life... come to think of it... the three of them, Tifa, Rinoa, and Dagger (Princess Garnet) look kind of the same... in some ways more than one...
and... more to the point... the heroes are kind of hopless romantics of some sort... like me, eh?... heheheh....
doh... I could rant away forever here knowing that only a few people come to visit... but for safety's sake, I'd keep some things to my personal, not online blogspot...
TAKE MY HAND
Enough said…
Take my hand,
All is well…
Once more in the
Stillness of the mountains
Where faeries once roamed
Where dew glistens on
The leaves of the plants
And the petals of the
Magnificent flowers
That adorn the
Ancient terrain
Huge boulders that
Try to stop the flow of
Water dot the land
They try, but they fail…
They will always yield
To the rush of water
As it’s flow is never-ending,
Strong, inexorable
The noise water makes as
It falls down, down, down…
Churning in basins,
Misting the air,
Roaring like tigers…
It drowns the echoes of our
Voices and the beating of our hearts
Take my hand as
Dragonflies and butterflies,
Red, blue, brown, white…
Dance around us,
Welcoming us to their
Hallowed grove
The sun plays hide and seek,
Not knowing whether to
Shine with all its glory
Or shower us with rain
Come hither…
Problems are forgotten,
Pain is cast away
Take my hand as we
Stumble our way across
Rocks and fallen trees
And through the icy waters
That send shivers all over the body
Let’s find a place
Where we can laugh and shout,
Frolic about,
And be like little children
Once more
Where we can lie on
The cold boulders and
Bask in the glory of the
Confused sun
Smile!
Marvel at the breathtaking
Wonders of nature
And breathe in the
Life giving air
Take my hand as we
Leave all worries behind
And embrace the
Stillness of this world
Turn your back to the madness
That is waiting, patiently
At the gates of normality…
Ascend to heights you have never
Gone before
And open your mind to your soul…
For here on this earth,
The land betwixt heaven and hell,
We can find paradise
Enough said,
Take my hand,
All is well…
I found my paradise in you…
...
Finally, the days of the dead have gone and passed!! I would've wanted to go to the Memorial Park but there's nobody there for me to visit... and Therese wasn't there as well... she got so stressed out that she got sick... I wish I could do something to help but I don't know what to do except send her get well soon messages... she has to go to school later... yup... while the rest of us enjoy sem breaks, I don't know if her school does... they have a tri-semester way of things...
anyway, Exel noticed whatever happened during the ride...! He told me that a while ago while we were talking about anything we could think of...
He even asked me if Therese and I were already a couple because we were like, you know, inseperable during our hidden valley getaway... damn him... I'd clobber him to a coma if it weren't the truth... we were kind of inseperable...
Still, I haven't even told anything to her and he already jumps to his conclusions... but hey, he says that we look good together... hehehe...
I dunno... it's because whenever I allow myself to let the girl know that I like her, I start to have jelly-legs on the topic... "torpe", if you may... I should feel happy, you know... but somehow... I'm not feeling as happy as I know I should be... alas... I am and will always be a chicken...
would things go the way I dream them to be?
dreams... I'm remembering my dreams again... and for crying out loud, they don't end properly!!!
Like last night, Tew and I were somewhere having a picnic and then she bends towards me for a kiss... then I wake up... argghhh!!!...
I'm starting to go insane... forgetting must be the last thing I should do...
20031101
Whoosit, whatsit... whatdaf... dahell is going on?!?!?!?
Ria... where are you? Exel told me he saw you at the Memorial Park... dammit... when I read the message on my celphone, memories of long ago flooded... it seems like I haven't forgotten all about us... whatever happened to "us"?... if there ever was an "us"...
dammit...
I shouldn't dawdle on these thoughts but whenever someone mentions her name I remember... I remember that I'm still and probably will always be a fool when it comes to falling in love with people... I must be crazy... whatever led me to fall for her?... if ever this is truth, whatever led her to fall for me...
me... a nobody to her standards... a peasant falling in love with the daughter of a wealthy king... princes wooed her before... I'd almost be the dirt she walks on but still... something happened... who could I blame for the madness that ran through me? who could I blame if I fell in love again and lost...
"It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all..."
like, hell yeah... it would be hell much better if love never came...
I'll never find the right one... dammit... I'll find someone, oh yeah... but they'd be pretty much a passing day...
NO... I might hurt someone in the process... a girl, more specifically... I can't bring myself to the point that I made some girl cry because of my own stupid, idiotic, foolish, egotistic, selfish, insignificant pride... I'd better stop before it boils over... but how could I?
I can't... my will is not enough... the seed has grown... how could I trample it? I don't want to hurt anybody... Therese, most especially...
but can I ignore that "something" that happened?... or, perhaps, it is another daydream of mine?... the trip replays in my mind over and over and over... it's starting to drive me insane!
on a motorcycle traversing through rocky road... her hair whipping in my face and her hand on my knee... her back pressing onto my chest... my chin resting on her shoulder and our cheeks against each other... I'm drunk with her presence... did she accept my hand when I touched hers?... I can't remember... but I know we held hands that time... or did I want her to?
dammit... I feel like slapping myself...
no... somebody slap me and wake me up... what is reality?!...
I'd be remembering that for a long time... perhaps each time I ride the "Habal-habal"... what's going on? if something is going to happen then, please, let not history repeat itself... I'm ready to take this on... Whether I'd be dumped or not... This is it... do or don't... live or die... get or get lost... I'm ready...
please... if the cosmos is listening... I beg... don't go against me...
GAHD!!!
Konichiwa!
I went to bed last night at around 8pm and woke up at around 12:30pm... so, that means I slept for about... hmmm... 16 hours?... I still feel sleepy but I know that's just a side effect from over-sleeping... I didn't know I was that tired but well, at least I had so much fun yesterday!
I couldn't write very well last night because man, my eyelids were drooping towards the ground... who wouldn't? I didn't sleep for almost 24 hours and still spent energy yesterday... was I bushed...
We took pictures of the trip and when I have time and money, I'll scan them and post them on my blogspot for the world to see... too bad I didn't have a picture of Therese and I taken... tsk tsk tsk... :P
I still bear a few bruises from the times I slipped on the mossy rocks... but the getaway was worth it... I'd be damned if I didn't go with them... it's starting to get a bit boring here at home, at least there, fresh air is abounding ang peace resounding... if only the day would never end, then I would have stayed there until I grew tired of staying there... everything is so peaceful... makes you forget about everything not present...
so, that makes two getaway spots... Lipadas and Sitio Sarro... I can't wait for the next one, if ever the time comes for the next one... where would we go then? the locals say that there's a better place but it would take three hours to get there and would require you to cross leech-infested streams... well, at least leeches don't kill... someone told me before that leeches are even healthy since they suck out the bad blood...
too bad we couldn't have stayed longer... the sun was our only ally going back... had we allowed darkness to fall, we couldn't have found our way back...
so, back we went... up the trail, back to the dirt road... back to Arlene's house...
the sun was at the horizon when we arrived on "Habal-habal"... I didn't believe that I was able to sleep during the ride... I must've been so tired but I wanted more hiking... more nature... but, alas and alack... we had to go home...
since there weren't any other ways to go back to the main road, we had to take the "Habal-habal" once more... there were only six of us so we split into two groups, three to a vehicle... two guys and one girl... Red insisted that Therese rode with me and Exel... so, it was Exel behind the driver, Therese behind him.. and me behind her..
I don't exactly know what happened but whatever happened was not in my gameplan... I know that I have something for Therese but I didn't know that spending just one day with her would make my mind contain nothing but her name and her face... that ride was some sort of key... I think she feels the same way... I don't know in what way... but she didn't complain when I held her hand and when I cuddled up to her... I think she even leaned back... well... it was that way until we reached the main road... then... as always... the moment ends... for that time, at least...
I don't know what happened to me and my promises to myself about not having any relationships but... I can't stop thinking about her... I keep wondering how this will all turn out... dammit... this can't be happening...
20031031
Hola!
Just got home... my eyes feel very heavy since I almost went an entire day without sleep... If you don't count the catnaps, I'd say 36 hours... wow... never gone this long since I can't remember when...
I dunno why I felt so energized during the whole time... maybe it's the effect of the "High Wind"... I get so drugged up over the fresh air of the mountains...
We were supposed to meet at Crossing Matina... Me, Exel, Jupett, Red, Tewese (she looked so cute... like, newly-roused look... for me, at least) & Nikkie... From our starting point, at Crossing Matina, we went to Arlene's home in Guigana... We were supposed to depart from Crossing Matina at 6 and arrive at her house at around seven AM but Jupett was a tad late... like two hours late... so, we arrived there around 9am...
We gathered up a few more supplies and headed for the "Habal-Habal", a Davaoeño term for the souped-up motorcycles that ferry people two and fro the area... whew... kapoy English... there was a fifteen minute ride between Guigana and Sitio Sarro... and the road, I tell you, looked worse than an acne-covered face of a teenager on a hot day... I didn't give it much of mind, though... Tewese was sitting in front of me, sandwiched between the driver and me...
fortunately, we survived and took a little trek down and up the mountain just to reach the little river... about 30 mins. and a few bruises down and up...
still, like before, I found it worth the hike... I didn't feel that tired at all... Just like the first time in another location... I just kept walking and walking... climbing and climbing... hopping from one step to another... you know, hiking stuff... I didn't think I had it in me but I think the air had to have something to do with it...
it was a smaller place and the air was warmer this time because the sun kept on peeking in and out of the clouds like it couldn't make up it's mind whether to make it rain or shine...
we stayed there for about five hours and during the stay, we cooked the pork we brought with us using improvised sticks and stones to use as the grille... we also went aways downstream and upstream... nothing but more rocks and, sometimes, still waters... I could count three times going up and two going down... the water was freezing in there I actually thought that I was going to give up...
sheesh... I'll continue this tomorrow... I can't keep my eyes open!
20031027
bite me...
sacre bleu!
yesterday was supposed to be a holy day but what happened... actually, what always happens?
my okaasan always blows up on sundays... that's what happened... I don't know if the real problem is with me, the kids, or her.... but damn... does she blow up! (Always.... on sundays, most especially)
but.. yesterday was an exeption... she didn't blow up... she split, all the way down to her nucleus, exploding with a force unheard of in my entire existence... creating a catastrophic destruction in her wake... I mean, if she would chose a time to scold me then do it after church, not before... I don't know if it's all "ka-plastikan" but after what she did, I can't believe she still has the spirit to go to church...
then... it's not over yet... after church, she bangs open my door and starts lecturing me on life, life, life, time, time, time... where she failed, where she went wrong, why, why, why... dammit...
I don't know why parents are like this... she started talking about how Jesus must've felt while in the Garden of Gethsemany... sheesh... I just wasn't able to get a certificate of course completion in my Institute classes and she starts...
"Alam mo, bad trip ako sa iyo!"
"Akala ko ba naman you didn't work kasi may institute ka?"
"Saan ba ako nagkamali sa pag-laki sa inyo?"
"How do you spend your time, aber?"
Okey, how do I spend my time?... It's the second week of the semestral break... how would I spend time if I don't have money? Since I don't go out, and have no mind, heart, and soul to mingle with my neighbors.... Eat, play the computer, sleep, eat, play the guitar (no 4th string).... sorry, our TV's busted... of course! That's why I'm dying for classes to come back... that is, if I would be able to go to school next sem... it's the $$$$$ issue....
"When you grow up... i don't know how, I don't know if...."
"I keep wondering kung paano ka na pag-laki mo kung ganito ka ngayon?"
gosh... talo nya pa si Eminem sa machine-gunnery... she starts to go hysterical like I'm a little brat who only asks her for money to go somewhere all the time... NOT!
"Ano ba, gusto mo pa ba mag-school? Para kasing wala kang direksyon sa buhay!"
Okey, fine... she wants to see someone who doesn't have any direction in life? FINE!!! I'll purposely flunk all my grades, come home every night at 2 in the morning drunk, reeking, and wasted... I'll look like someone who hasn't taken a bath in a week and cause a ruckus so that the OSA would be after my guts... That's what she doesn't see?... I'll make her see...
"You'll grow up more, have a girlfriend, get married.... wait, what if you don't have a job? Paano mo ma-suporta ang pamilya mo?"
get real... I won't marry if I'm not stable financially... I'm not that dumb... why? Is it my fault that you only decided to get a pension plan three months ago? Is it my fault that you didn't do what you wanted to do? Why does everything fall back to me? Is it my fault that the head of the household is acting that way?
The universe is conspiring to make me unhappy... If I could only throw my head back high and shout with a voice that could rock the world, then I would be happier... happier, but not happy... better yet, If I had psychic powers and manipulate it so that it would become a hundred times stronger, I would broadcast how I feel now coz right now I feel like something that is akin to nothing.... anyone who tells me that they understand how I feel, doesn't know how I feel... coz I can't put in words how I feel...
what's going on with this world...?
20031026
...
sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to make a difference in somebody's life...
it's like I see all these people who speak with great energy and assurance that if you listen intently, you would start to see life differently... Like the words of the great philosophers, or the prophets in the bible...
sometimes I wonder if I've spoken words that might, in the future, steer someone to the "right" path... If I've spoken words that will forever reside in the memory of someone, anyone... If I've done anything worthwhile... My blog says that I'm hanging by my necktie, which, of course... for financial reasons, is somewhat far from question.... all I seem to be feeling is "depressed"... "depressed", and "depressed" .. oh yeah, did I forget?
more of "depressed"...
it went away today, while I was frolicking around the cold waters of... where was that place... but returned as soon as I sat down in front of this computer in an internet cafe that seems to have no proper air conditioning... so, considering the gloominess in me... I feel hot and gloomy... whattalyf...
It's almost 2am... I'm not yet home... I keep wondering why my okaasan is not yet calling me on my mobile phone that is quite outdated... Sometimes, when I'm doing this, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing... a couple of years before I would have killed for this kind of life... free, less surveillance... now, I kind of feel queasy... I wonder, if ever I survive my college days in god-knows-where-I'm-going-to-go-to-school, how the "real" life feels like?
shit... I'm feeling more downcast writing this... and, somewere at the back of my mind, I feel like nobody understands me... maybe myself, but other that him, nobody...
If I'd kill myself, I'd go to hell... suicides do...
If ever I'd die, who would cry for me? Who would wail and mourn that I would come back...
*queue in "Gone by Jim Chapell"*
"Why did you have to go?"
"Why did you leave me here alone?"
"Waaaaahh! You still owe me a couple hundred bucks!"
"You know that I'm pregnant, *sniff* , who's going to take care of me and the baby now?!"
dammit...
yeah, right... get real... wait... am I?
STAND UP: You are a natural stand-up comedian. You
watch the news with people, and when you give
your opinions, people start laughing. They are
not laughing at you, they are laughing because
what you say is so TRUE. The world is a very
funny place, full of natural comedy. All you do
is repeat various humorous things that you
notice from everyday life. Your unique
perspective on the world is what makes you so
funny. Of all the various comedy types, you may
be the funniest of them all!
How funny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
20031025
Bring Me Peace
Pause
This moment calls for a stop in time
A rip in the dimensions
Call Einstein and formulate a plan
To capture this place and
Eternally preserve it
Inhale
Deep breaths that mist all over
Air my lungs have long forgotten
Pleasure my brain not so long ago felt
In places long lost
Dive
Crystal clear water
If only it stood still
But streams don't stand still
They keep flowing
Endlessly
Bask
The greens of the place
The colors of the flowers
The butterflies, bees...
Nature at one of her
Best moments...
Creep
My hands, pale and trembling,
They grasp the smooth, polished
Rocks..
Worn down through the centuries
I slip, laugh, creep again through
The churning stream
How long has this place stood?
How many faces has it met?
Never succumbing to the changes
Of history... ever flowing, ever peaceful...
A place worthy for faeries,
Whose dainty wings carry
Sweet dew...
If only time stood still all around
And nature allowed me to
Frolic in this place
Forever...
Bring me peace,
My mind is craving for it...
Lost In Paradise
Me, Exel, Red, Jupett (ja-pet), Arlene, and Nikkie had a little romp in this little getaway in a faraway place... and when I say far, I mean feet-breaking, sweat-soaking, toungue-hanging 30 minutes walk far... up and down the mountain and through banana fields.. not to mention the slippery, almost 90degrees slope down or up... either way, you still have to be extra carefull... coz if you ain't... you get a boo-boo... (my souvenier from this excursion was a few scrapes on my left arm and a bruised patella... (for those who don't know what a patella is, it's the knee cap)...
but anyway, the hike was worth the walk for lo and behold we materialized beside a little stream... it was like a scene from a paradise-kind-of-movie or those nature scenes we always see in National Graphic, Discovery Channel, etc... the air had a nice kind of coldness to it, our breaths literally misting in the air... we didn't need to smoke cigarettes (if ever we needed to, Red was puffing away) just to look like we were... various fauna hugged the mossy limestone walls and a few birds, bees, and butterflies graced us with their presence... the natural mist that veiled the area carried with it a different sweetness that the excuse for an air of the city cannot and will never be able to offer... being there made you forget all about your everyday worries... all you knew was that you were there and you wanted to stay there...
God, it was like... wow... the place took my breath away... words couldn't describe how I felt but damn.. did I feel the best in weeks!
the water... how to describe an ever-changing, flowing, entity... every second that passes, every micro that disappears into nothing... you wade into the icy water and for each breath, each step, you are wading in different water... it flows around you, seemingly through you, chilling you down to your very last nerve endings yet something in it makes it more of a pleasure than distaste... when you rise from the water, the cold air sends tiny tingles down your spine, then back up to your head where it registers the sensation to all parts of your body... you feel like you can move but you can't.... it flows in and out, finding places for it to pass, ignoring the rocks that were keeping it from doing so... as they pass the natural dams, they make a rushing noise that drowns most of conversation... but somehow, it didn't sound like noise but a soothing music to my ears...
the air... fresh... pure... clean... unblemished... the kind of air you could only wisp on top of mountains... yes, we were on a chain of mountains... hills... i don't know what exactly but the air that stayed with us for the duration of the day was nerve-wrackingly-intense... methinks I got a "fresh-air high" coz when we got back to the city, I felt empty... you take one breath... no, you gulp lots of it down to your lungs and you keep gulping like you could inhale forever... but since you can't, you exhale, and your warm breath collides with the cold air... hello, I'm puff the magic dragon... I spent at most 30 minutes lying down on the cool rocks that were scattered, (part of the place, to be exact,) all over, breathing in and out... in and out... in and out... I could keep breathing there forever...
the rocks... don't ever forget these things... they have stood the test of time and have seen and acquired knowledge that could spark anybody's imagination... from tiny pebbles to gigantic boulders, you name it, the place had them everywhere... various others grew or played on these rocks... lichen, moss, little fern plants, spiders, bugs, bees... some rocks were over ten feet tall! I almost slipped on that particular rock and crashed with more rocks... that would have been the end of me, my friends would find me floating face down in a still pool somewhere... I would have accepted if I died in that peaceful place... I felt like I could die anytime... I noticed it because I was careless, hopping from one wet rock to another... I slipped, yes... that's where I got my bad knee from... but I didn't care much... It didn't actually hurt until we were back at Arlene's friend's house...
pain is forgotten... we were like little children... singing songs at the top of our lungs, shouting at the top of our lungs (it was only me who shouted), playing "splash" if we were swimming, laughing our hearts out... gosh... I know someone who would love that place... *writes a sign: Aicha*
yup, she would like it there... it would regenerate and revive her so much... I dunno what problems she has to bear both with peers and parents but this would have been the perfect spontanous gift for her and her bizzare mind... peace, onnesan
anyway, what's a getaway if you don't have food?
unfortunately, due to the excitement that was bulding up, we totally forgot to bring some old newspapers and, if possible, some kerosene for our cooking... fortunately, some people who were hiking in the area lent us a helping hand... gave us more charcoal and lit the fire for us... we cooked the fish that we brought with us and did it with much success! (the barbecue sticks dropped along the way through a hole in the plastic bag...)
god, it was so cool... literally... that after we dunked in the water and laid ourselves to dry, we were smokin'... we were having so much fun, we completely forgot about the time... it was 4:47 when we checked the watch and bade sad farewell, but see you soon, to the place... back up the muddy, moist, damp, wet, hiking trail (if it could be called a trail)... it was exhausting but we made it... again, I almost slipped and fell off... we went back to Arlene's friend's house and stayed there for a while, dressed up (the water in the river was clean, no need to soap... but I'm taking a bath back home, when I get home), ate dinner and rode a container truck back down to the city...
once we arrived, I longed so much for the air that was there, up in that frosty place...
but, goddamn... does my knee hurt!
20031016
BACK HERE... CORAZON ESPINADO
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
*sniff... sniff...*
I had a long post going when the computer did what I always wanted to do but cannot do... it Hang-ed... but it's ok... I guess it was meant to be because I said some things I know I shouldn't have said... so, whew! whatta relief...
anyway, I'm feeling better because I got to relax and unwind at the park this afternoon with a few of my friends who, I feel, felt the same way as I did... so, generally, I'm feeling like Chibi-chibi Kenshin-gumi down there....
hahahaha!!!!.... happy.... I'm feeling so happy... we lay on a curtain I brought and turned it into a picnic blanket of some sort... In effect, it was a picnic blanket coz we ate some tidbits....
Kombanwa....
I'll post some more tomorrow, I feel like my time is running out... I'm in one of those public internet cafes...
You represent... angst.
You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about
everything. It's okay to sulk and be
depressed, but life is short, and you only get
one. It's only what you make it, and only you
can make it improve.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
On normal days (which is very seldom) this is noise... but I'm swimming in the song because that's what I'm feeling... depressed... like some git who is wandering around, alone, in this f*cked-up word... My mom even tells me I'm like this... always thinking negative on everything.... ARghhh!!!!!
I feel like the whole world crushed me yesterday because of the connecting exams on Algebra and Biology.... I wouldn't have given it a piece of my mind but there was only 10 minutes in between.... Is that fair? No rest?
Imagine a totally drained cellular phone... Imagine that you charged it for ten minutes... Imagine the use it could bring... Imagine that eh?....
NOTHING....
My good friend, sensei, and spiritual guide, Aicha-kun, graciously dubbed me Tarushiru (Tarsier) because of some Magic, The Gathering card... I don't even look like any tarsier I've seen but... ain't they cute??
I tried a few of quizzila's quizzes...
My inner child is ten years old!
The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
OMG!!!.... how true!!.... well, how would I know anyway? I'm not even in touch with my inner child... it's in touch with me! Waitaminute... I have an inner child in me?
You are The Butcher! You would be famous for
chopping up and slaughtering of people in your
own unique way. That would be why the cops
would not be able to identify your victims. You
would probably get ideas from slasher movies or
previous killers, but turn them into your own
thing. You have a creative side to you, which
is scary, and you would use it on your victims.
You would not be vicious or anything; you may
go all cool and casual with a smile, and then
do your work and examine your victims. The
public would really want the Butcher away from
the streets!
What Would Your Serial Killer Name Be? What Would the Public Know You As?
brought to you by Quizilla
hehehe.... I knew it...
HEre I go trying out this place....
*turns to Aicha and bows*
She's the one who introduced me here...
I guess I'll have to ask her more often... she does sites better than me.... :)
But for now... some lunch and my exams in Literature....
:P ... college (not in general) sucks....!!!
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