NOSTALGIA BLUES (redundancy repeated) Ü

Nanay is gone... to manila for her interview, then most probably she would stay there until she gets accepted... then, she'd be off to USA.

Life sucks... I always thought and mentioned that my life would take a little trip on the wild side... well, hooray for me! it just fucking did... now I don't know what will happen... What would happen to all of us? She never stayed away for that long... I never lacked a mother for that long either... Would I live the same way I did? Somehow, it seems that I've died somewhere inside... I might be exaggerating a little bit but that's how I feel... On the outside, I don't show it... I never show my soft side to the outside world... I can't even remember any time I cried in front of my friends... No matter how depressed and oppressed I feel... I don't cry in public. I never do.

Now, that squeezing feeling in my chest is starting to grow tighter... But now, even with nobody around... I can't cry.. No tears fall... Am I really that indifferent? I'm a stranger even to myself... Who am I? What am I? Where do I really belong?

I don't know how to answer that... It seems like all my life I've been drifting from personality to personality... changing as quick and invisible as the wind blows... loving in and out... one time loving too much... too much in a sense that I never really recieved any love in return... Nobody ever loved me like Nanay... it was Nanay who gave me all that. Nobody ever could...

In my previous quests to find that person whom I could share my life with, even if it is not for better or worse, richer or poor, sickness and in health... I've stepped into many lives... actually, we treaded on each other's footprints and shadows, moulding each other... producing what we/I am today...

the only place I've stayed with for a long time is home... my peer groups constantly change... for the benefit of being with everybody, I sometimes have to lie to myself and to the rest... create a front that is acceptable because that's what I always want to be... acceptable to everybody! I want that so much that I can recall times that I make up stories just for people to listen to me, times when I booze and smoke a storm just to be "in", times that I laugh with people even though it's not an appropriate topic to laugh about, times I didn't even think I would be doing... all those times I did so that I could feel like I'm real. So that I can feel like I'm somebody and not just some nobody jerk who is just going with the flow of life.

Now that she's gone... I'm starting to long for that feeling of emptiness to go away... For someone I could love and who would love me in return... But I want that to be real if not realistic... I might just go on the fast track to falling in love just to have someone there to hug and kiss and do all the stuff couples do, just to cover up the sadness... I'm even starting to think that I am doing that shit right now. It's not worth it! It's not worth to have someone cover me up... what if something happens and that someone gets hurt... most probably she would be a friend... would we still be friends after that? It's hard... harder even if you've become more than friends...

Dammit... it's like I've been busted by a girl... but how the hell would I know how that feels because I've never been busted!... I never really made effort to have one because I know, deep down inside, that there would always be a girl I could run to... she would make tea, or sandwiches, or just listen to me rant about how fucking life is, or just give me a hug... a hug, simple as that, and I would feel all better.

I'm a jerk... an idiot... stupid.... dumb... I write and say stuff about doing things now before it's too late... And I can't count how many times I broke what I said... all those moments are now far from reach... and I can't do anything about it.