Whoosit, whatsit... whatdaf... dahell is going on?!?!?!?

Ria... where are you? Exel told me he saw you at the Memorial Park... dammit... when I read the message on my celphone, memories of long ago flooded... it seems like I haven't forgotten all about us... whatever happened to "us"?... if there ever was an "us"...

dammit...

I shouldn't dawdle on these thoughts but whenever someone mentions her name I remember... I remember that I'm still and probably will always be a fool when it comes to falling in love with people... I must be crazy... whatever led me to fall for her?... if ever this is truth, whatever led her to fall for me...

me... a nobody to her standards... a peasant falling in love with the daughter of a wealthy king... princes wooed her before... I'd almost be the dirt she walks on but still... something happened... who could I blame for the madness that ran through me? who could I blame if I fell in love again and lost...

"It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all..."

like, hell yeah... it would be hell much better if love never came...

I'll never find the right one... dammit... I'll find someone, oh yeah... but they'd be pretty much a passing day...

NO... I might hurt someone in the process... a girl, more specifically... I can't bring myself to the point that I made some girl cry because of my own stupid, idiotic, foolish, egotistic, selfish, insignificant pride... I'd better stop before it boils over... but how could I?

I can't... my will is not enough... the seed has grown... how could I trample it? I don't want to hurt anybody... Therese, most especially...

but can I ignore that "something" that happened?... or, perhaps, it is another daydream of mine?... the trip replays in my mind over and over and over... it's starting to drive me insane!

on a motorcycle traversing through rocky road... her hair whipping in my face and her hand on my knee... her back pressing onto my chest... my chin resting on her shoulder and our cheeks against each other... I'm drunk with her presence... did she accept my hand when I touched hers?... I can't remember... but I know we held hands that time... or did I want her to?

dammit... I feel like slapping myself...

no... somebody slap me and wake me up... what is reality?!...

I'd be remembering that for a long time... perhaps each time I ride the "Habal-habal"... what's going on? if something is going to happen then, please, let not history repeat itself... I'm ready to take this on... Whether I'd be dumped or not... This is it... do or don't... live or die... get or get lost... I'm ready...

please... if the cosmos is listening... I beg... don't go against me...

GAHD!!!

Konichiwa!

I went to bed last night at around 8pm and woke up at around 12:30pm... so, that means I slept for about... hmmm... 16 hours?... I still feel sleepy but I know that's just a side effect from over-sleeping... I didn't know I was that tired but well, at least I had so much fun yesterday!

I couldn't write very well last night because man, my eyelids were drooping towards the ground... who wouldn't? I didn't sleep for almost 24 hours and still spent energy yesterday... was I bushed...

We took pictures of the trip and when I have time and money, I'll scan them and post them on my blogspot for the world to see... too bad I didn't have a picture of Therese and I taken... tsk tsk tsk... :P

I still bear a few bruises from the times I slipped on the mossy rocks... but the getaway was worth it... I'd be damned if I didn't go with them... it's starting to get a bit boring here at home, at least there, fresh air is abounding ang peace resounding... if only the day would never end, then I would have stayed there until I grew tired of staying there... everything is so peaceful... makes you forget about everything not present...

so, that makes two getaway spots... Lipadas and Sitio Sarro... I can't wait for the next one, if ever the time comes for the next one... where would we go then? the locals say that there's a better place but it would take three hours to get there and would require you to cross leech-infested streams... well, at least leeches don't kill... someone told me before that leeches are even healthy since they suck out the bad blood...

too bad we couldn't have stayed longer... the sun was our only ally going back... had we allowed darkness to fall, we couldn't have found our way back...

so, back we went... up the trail, back to the dirt road... back to Arlene's house...

the sun was at the horizon when we arrived on "Habal-habal"... I didn't believe that I was able to sleep during the ride... I must've been so tired but I wanted more hiking... more nature... but, alas and alack... we had to go home...

since there weren't any other ways to go back to the main road, we had to take the "Habal-habal" once more... there were only six of us so we split into two groups, three to a vehicle... two guys and one girl... Red insisted that Therese rode with me and Exel... so, it was Exel behind the driver, Therese behind him.. and me behind her..

I don't exactly know what happened but whatever happened was not in my gameplan... I know that I have something for Therese but I didn't know that spending just one day with her would make my mind contain nothing but her name and her face... that ride was some sort of key... I think she feels the same way... I don't know in what way... but she didn't complain when I held her hand and when I cuddled up to her... I think she even leaned back... well... it was that way until we reached the main road... then... as always... the moment ends... for that time, at least...

I don't know what happened to me and my promises to myself about not having any relationships but... I can't stop thinking about her... I keep wondering how this will all turn out... dammit... this can't be happening...

Hola!

Just got home... my eyes feel very heavy since I almost went an entire day without sleep... If you don't count the catnaps, I'd say 36 hours... wow... never gone this long since I can't remember when...

I dunno why I felt so energized during the whole time... maybe it's the effect of the "High Wind"... I get so drugged up over the fresh air of the mountains...

We were supposed to meet at Crossing Matina... Me, Exel, Jupett, Red, Tewese (she looked so cute... like, newly-roused look... for me, at least) & Nikkie... From our starting point, at Crossing Matina, we went to Arlene's home in Guigana... We were supposed to depart from Crossing Matina at 6 and arrive at her house at around seven AM but Jupett was a tad late... like two hours late... so, we arrived there around 9am...

We gathered up a few more supplies and headed for the "Habal-Habal", a Davaoeño term for the souped-up motorcycles that ferry people two and fro the area... whew... kapoy English... there was a fifteen minute ride between Guigana and Sitio Sarro... and the road, I tell you, looked worse than an acne-covered face of a teenager on a hot day... I didn't give it much of mind, though... Tewese was sitting in front of me, sandwiched between the driver and me...

fortunately, we survived and took a little trek down and up the mountain just to reach the little river... about 30 mins. and a few bruises down and up...

still, like before, I found it worth the hike... I didn't feel that tired at all... Just like the first time in another location... I just kept walking and walking... climbing and climbing... hopping from one step to another... you know, hiking stuff... I didn't think I had it in me but I think the air had to have something to do with it...

it was a smaller place and the air was warmer this time because the sun kept on peeking in and out of the clouds like it couldn't make up it's mind whether to make it rain or shine...

we stayed there for about five hours and during the stay, we cooked the pork we brought with us using improvised sticks and stones to use as the grille... we also went aways downstream and upstream... nothing but more rocks and, sometimes, still waters... I could count three times going up and two going down... the water was freezing in there I actually thought that I was going to give up...

sheesh... I'll continue this tomorrow... I can't keep my eyes open!

bite me...

sacre bleu!

yesterday was supposed to be a holy day but what happened... actually, what always happens?

my okaasan always blows up on sundays... that's what happened... I don't know if the real problem is with me, the kids, or her.... but damn... does she blow up! (Always.... on sundays, most especially)

but.. yesterday was an exeption... she didn't blow up... she split, all the way down to her nucleus, exploding with a force unheard of in my entire existence... creating a catastrophic destruction in her wake... I mean, if she would chose a time to scold me then do it after church, not before... I don't know if it's all "ka-plastikan" but after what she did, I can't believe she still has the spirit to go to church...

then... it's not over yet... after church, she bangs open my door and starts lecturing me on life, life, life, time, time, time... where she failed, where she went wrong, why, why, why... dammit...

I don't know why parents are like this... she started talking about how Jesus must've felt while in the Garden of Gethsemany... sheesh... I just wasn't able to get a certificate of course completion in my Institute classes and she starts...

"Alam mo, bad trip ako sa iyo!"

"Akala ko ba naman you didn't work kasi may institute ka?"

"Saan ba ako nagkamali sa pag-laki sa inyo?"

"How do you spend your time, aber?"

Okey, how do I spend my time?... It's the second week of the semestral break... how would I spend time if I don't have money? Since I don't go out, and have no mind, heart, and soul to mingle with my neighbors.... Eat, play the computer, sleep, eat, play the guitar (no 4th string).... sorry, our TV's busted... of course! That's why I'm dying for classes to come back... that is, if I would be able to go to school next sem... it's the $$$$$ issue....

"When you grow up... i don't know how, I don't know if...."

"I keep wondering kung paano ka na pag-laki mo kung ganito ka ngayon?"

gosh... talo nya pa si Eminem sa machine-gunnery... she starts to go hysterical like I'm a little brat who only asks her for money to go somewhere all the time... NOT!

"Ano ba, gusto mo pa ba mag-school? Para kasing wala kang direksyon sa buhay!"

Okey, fine... she wants to see someone who doesn't have any direction in life? FINE!!! I'll purposely flunk all my grades, come home every night at 2 in the morning drunk, reeking, and wasted... I'll look like someone who hasn't taken a bath in a week and cause a ruckus so that the OSA would be after my guts... That's what she doesn't see?... I'll make her see...

"You'll grow up more, have a girlfriend, get married.... wait, what if you don't have a job? Paano mo ma-suporta ang pamilya mo?"

get real... I won't marry if I'm not stable financially... I'm not that dumb... why? Is it my fault that you only decided to get a pension plan three months ago? Is it my fault that you didn't do what you wanted to do? Why does everything fall back to me? Is it my fault that the head of the household is acting that way?

The universe is conspiring to make me unhappy... If I could only throw my head back high and shout with a voice that could rock the world, then I would be happier... happier, but not happy... better yet, If I had psychic powers and manipulate it so that it would become a hundred times stronger, I would broadcast how I feel now coz right now I feel like something that is akin to nothing.... anyone who tells me that they understand how I feel, doesn't know how I feel... coz I can't put in words how I feel...

what's going on with this world...?

...

sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to make a difference in somebody's life...

it's like I see all these people who speak with great energy and assurance that if you listen intently, you would start to see life differently... Like the words of the great philosophers, or the prophets in the bible...

sometimes I wonder if I've spoken words that might, in the future, steer someone to the "right" path... If I've spoken words that will forever reside in the memory of someone, anyone... If I've done anything worthwhile... My blog says that I'm hanging by my necktie, which, of course... for financial reasons, is somewhat far from question.... all I seem to be feeling is "depressed"... "depressed", and "depressed" .. oh yeah, did I forget?

more of "depressed"...

it went away today, while I was frolicking around the cold waters of... where was that place... but returned as soon as I sat down in front of this computer in an internet cafe that seems to have no proper air conditioning... so, considering the gloominess in me... I feel hot and gloomy... whattalyf...

It's almost 2am... I'm not yet home... I keep wondering why my okaasan is not yet calling me on my mobile phone that is quite outdated... Sometimes, when I'm doing this, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing... a couple of years before I would have killed for this kind of life... free, less surveillance... now, I kind of feel queasy... I wonder, if ever I survive my college days in god-knows-where-I'm-going-to-go-to-school, how the "real" life feels like?

shit... I'm feeling more downcast writing this... and, somewere at the back of my mind, I feel like nobody understands me... maybe myself, but other that him, nobody...

If I'd kill myself, I'd go to hell... suicides do...

If ever I'd die, who would cry for me? Who would wail and mourn that I would come back...

*queue in "Gone by Jim Chapell"*

"Why did you have to go?"

"Why did you leave me here alone?"

"Waaaaahh! You still owe me a couple hundred bucks!"

"You know that I'm pregnant, *sniff* , who's going to take care of me and the baby now?!"

dammit...

yeah, right... get real... wait... am I?

STAND UP: You are a natural stand-up comedian. You
watch the news with people, and when you give
your opinions, people start laughing. They are
not laughing at you, they are laughing because
what you say is so TRUE. The world is a very
funny place, full of natural comedy. All you do
is repeat various humorous things that you
notice from everyday life. Your unique
perspective on the world is what makes you so
funny. Of all the various comedy types, you may
be the funniest of them all!



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