Are You Evil?

I am 37% evil.




I could go either way. I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error. My life is a tug of war between good and evil.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com



this is me? ... awww... come on....

Sunday Blues

nothing's going on....

I'm bored shit...

Hungry... sleepy... shitty...

Tick me off at this moment and I'll tick you right back into your head...

that's all...

I dunno... must be the lonliness... I'm alone at home... For the next undetermined days...

sucks...

dammit...

my birthday came and went... and I still feel the same as last week...

it's been like this ever since I entered junior high school... I mean, I lost the sense in celebrating my birthday... Nothing feels different anyway...

Anyway, the school fiesta is over... officially... Our division wasn't able to get into the final four of the cheer dance... sucks... after all the days and nights of sweat, shouting, swearing, and the like... damned school... it's so unfair!!...

Come to think of it... life is never fair...

One by one... year by year... one of our batch goes down... 6 feet under... this time it's Jeff Te. He was in comatose for two days before the doctors (or so I think) decided to call it quits... He was riding in the back of a pickup when IT happened...

Jeff was in the prime of his life... I tell you... He's one of those whom nobody expected to go... But he's gone...

It's sad... so sad... It wasn't his fault... God rest his soul... he will be remembered...


Jeff Te
August 14, 2004
Rest In Peace

The Ressurection

I'm back... after ages...

I don't know why I'm here... I just felt like it... Aicha, the person who originally introduced me to this thing has been changing blog layouts like there was no tomorrow...

*mental note: Bring Photoshop4 manual on Monday*

That's one of the thickest books in my shelf... she'd better put it to good use if I'm going to lug it to school... else, I'm throwing it at the face of Mr.Pogi... our pockmarked-face English23 professor who thinks that life is nothing without philosophy... his life, anyway... I'm not being rude or anything... his face is really pockmarked... I don't have the slightest idea why Ms.Sumusunod-sa-Galaw... our Filipino3 professor... paired up with him...

He doesn't even take heart-to-heart talks seriously because he said, and I quote, "MY HEART DOES NOT HAVE A MOUTH..."

Take your philosophy somewhere else... like in your philosophy classes because this is an English23 class... research and journal writing...

**********************

Good riddance... I'm not that good at writing in our dialect... It takes much, much effort for me to write a three page essay if it's in Filipino... but tell me to write it in English... I'm unstoppable...

**********************

Get of my back you arcane being!!!

Old people... they think they know everything... they think they're right about everything...

I went to Joshua's birthday this afternoon... he's Exel's nephew... a kid came over to our table wanting to try out the bubble-blower... a teensy thing that emits noise and bubbles at the same time... Jade, my girl held the piece over the kid's mouth while the kid blew... the kid looked so cute!!! He was looking at the bubbles in this darling way.... Jade was offering the kid the toy...

Then comes along his grandma... or so I think she is...

Ayaw na i-hatag sa iyaha kay dili na kabalo... tara... (Don't give that to him because he doesn't know how to use that... let's go)

The nerve!!.... Instead of teaching the kid... instead of increasing his knowledge... she stunts that growth... and I feel how that kid feels like... being deprived of learning...

Anyway, Jade handed it to the kid's nanny with instructions to TEACH the kid... the kid left with a smile on his face... and the grandma reprimanding him...

********************

My dad... the conservative... conservative in this way...

CONSERVE-ative....

********************

I'm leaving....

*gets on 1979 Corolla SR*

*VROOOOOOOOOOSHHHHH!!!!!!*

*Honks!!*

Hi Jade!!!! Amishooo!!!.... pwera libog....

Labs, you know who you are..... Thanks for the Da Vinci Code...

'Bit... advanced happy birthday!! Don't worry, I'll dance with you on your debut... Like I have a choice?  I'm one of the 18 roses... The only thing is if I'm going to show up... I don't have a retro attire at home... *runs to the bazaar (aka., ukay-ukay) Manang, may bell-bottoms kayo?*

Aicha... expect your manual on monday... put it to good use ok?

*Swerves and crashes into post*

ouchhhhhhh....

...

THIS WAY UP á

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The Christian Theory

Are you a Christian?

I'm not a christian.... and I'm not shy to say that... but ask me that question back when I was still a high school student and I could proudly say that I am... and defend that.

Now? ... naah.... after careful studying of the past... I'm not going to be proud of being a Christian.  Not after the chaos that rocked the world... centuries ago.  Their chaos.

*whacks Bible on the table*

*whack, whack!*

*priests look around, one comes near*

Priest 1: What are you doing? That's SACRED!!
Me: Huh? Says who?
Priest 1: Says... It's a book of God!
Me: Says?
Priest 1: It's a book of God! It's written by the prophets of old!
Me: Says?
Priest 1: *silence*
Me: Says Constantine right?
Priest 1: Constantine?
Me: Don't tell me you don't know the history of your own religion?
Priest 1: *looking at comrades for help*
Me: That it was Constantine who ordered this bible to be made? That it was Constantine who launced a bloody order to kill the pagan non-believers? That it was Constantine who merged pagan and Christian belief? That it was through a vote that Jesus Christ was made divine? That the Church, a seemingly "God-order-following" sect, was so fond of excruciating tortures up to the 1800's? That Mary Magdalene WAS the spouse of Christ? That she concieved and gave birth to a child? That Christ's bloodline was a fusion of the tribe of Benjamin and King David? That that child and HER succeeding generations are the rightful heirs to the throne? The throne of the King of Jews? That I would rather be a Pagan than to believe in your stinking Church?
Priest 1: ... what?
Me: You don't know? Oh, come on.... you're a Catholic Priest.... didn't your seminary days teach The Real History of the Church 101? ... pathetic... The Bible is a compilation of works by people... men... humans... tell me, priest, are humans perfect?
Priest  1: No...
Me: So it's not impossible that the Bible, no matter how sacred it looks to you, isn't error free?
Priest: Y... Yes.
Me: And that THAT book passed through hundreds of rewritings, translations, whatnot, that the real text could be enshrouded in marvelous words?
Priest 1: *sighs* Yes.
Me: And could you, with your GOD-given powers, tell me which part of that bible is inerrant?
Priest 1: No.
Me: So, is it sacred?... Because to me, it's just a great book.  It has everything from wars, death, love, lust... a very good story.
Priest 1: And what is your point?
Me: My point? ...  You tell me...
Priest 1: *silence*
Me: My point is that you leave me whacking whatever book I want when I'm hot-headed because I don't care less... I didn't ask you to come to me and tell me the divinity of this book... And I didn't even plan on bursting on you and your religion...
Priest 2: Come over here, brother.
Priest 1: *walks away*
Me: Thank you... back to everybody's businesses....

*pulls out a sheet of paper*

Damned English23 paper...

*wakes up*

Great dream!... wow....

Enrollment Blues

I'm on the verge of demanding a professor of mine for not submitting my last year's second semester grade... it's creating quite a complication on my part... just wait, that crazy fo'... she's gonna get quite a spankin' from me and my lawyer if she can't set things straight...

Really, I have to re-take a subject I've grown tired of repeating... it's been the third time I took that subject, and the third time I did pretty good... and now I have to re-enroll that subject all because my professor neglected to submit my grade?... she's going down... waaaaaaay down....

...

*scribbles a note*

I MISS YOU 1T1!!!! see you sa enrollment...

*holds piece of cartolina with SORRY written on it*

AICHAAAAAAA!!!!! Sorry I didn't visit you during those delirious days, really I wanted to but there are certain circumstances in life that I can't change immediately... but hey, congratulations on your feature! PS. I gotta see you before your hair grows longer...

*replaces with HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY*

.. that's to all the Mothers, Aspiring Mothers, Would Be Mothers, Mothers by Duty, Mothers by Force...

*drops mother's day cartolina and raises CAN I HOLD YOU FOR A LITTLE BIT MORE?*

Jade, you know I love you... and each time we separate to go home, I go bonkers. At least until I get some sleep... You have no idea how much you mean to me now... when I said "I love you" I placed my heart in your hands and boosted the trust meter 500%, a very big thing for a heart broken twice painfully. Twice I dreamed that you left me... twice in those dreams I cried and woke up with a wet pillow. That's what you're doing to me... maybe I'm getting more normal than normal... I love you sooooooo much!

*ties balloons to that cartolina and lets it float... raises one with kahlil.opeda@gmail.com*

that's my new email address...

*drops that and shuffles away...*

.......................

........ *starts to sing*


I found a reason in me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start off anew
And the reason is you...

Ressurected!

*lightning flash*

*thunder boom*

hehehe.... just passed by since it's been time immemorial since I last blogged... err... when was it?

Really, I have not once ounce of juice in me to write... The past two weeks have been one of the most tiresome yet exhilirating weeks of my life! I got a job in some warehouse where I grind the rust from racks and then paint them black afterwards... doesn't sound much eh?... try doing it for nine hours and with the ear-splitting sound of machinery... everyday...Ü I earn about 1000 pesos every week... and I tell you, it's soooooooo good a feeling to spend money you've sweated... (err...)... I have all the guts to treat who comes into mind... yeahhhh...

Note to Aicha the Strange: Curse my job eh?... :P ... no treats for you... heheheh... j/k

Anyway... that's all I can squeeze out of my system... I'm really tired but I'm rearin' for a road trip any hour..Ü

:: Dreams ::

I just woke up... I slept at 4am... isn't that sweet?

Anyway... I'm writing this down before I forget..

I seem to be able to clearly remember my dreams if I sleep at that time.. well, here goes..

Dream One:

I was a student at Hogwarts, but I can't seem to recall which house I was in... There was this three witches from the "dark side" that came and took everybody under their control... yep, that means Dumbledore was under their spell, too... that means that they're uber powerful... but for some reason, I wasn't... and of course, I had to do something to save them all... I was the only one who knew and who could try. So I climbed up the stairs of a tower to their main office, (it said main office on the door)... but during my climb, I encountered dobby, a dementor, and of all supernatural ghosties, casper... I put all their lights out, I even managed to cast a Patronus for the dementor... the Patronus wasn't an animal... hell, it was a motorcycle...

Anyway, when I got inside the main office, I saw the three witches... they had a sleeping dragon in front of them... I was lucky that the dragon was plain stupid and lazy... It just went on slumbering even if the witches kicked and cast spells on it... so, they had to do it on their own. We went on casting spells and doing wicked matrix movements... and when I noticed that my spells weren't working, I wondered why... then I found the answer... I didn't have my wand with me... hehehe... how I was able to cast spells, I have no idea. Time stopped as I grabbed my wand and thought of what-was-that-spell to conjour an animal... (I knew I remembered it, I just can't right now)... and just as I was about to cast that spell, my phone rang... inside hogwarts?... no, beside me, on my bed when I woke up... damn, and it was the climax as well.... I read the message and went back to sleep, hoping that the dream would continue...

It didn't, but there was a whole new dream...

Dream Two:

I am able to say that my dreams are in technicolor... The setting, my house, this street, this village, this city, this country, this world... the twists? my house didn't look like my house now... it was kind of creepy... but the rest was all there... the people, the stores... it was only my house that looked different. Kind of like an early 18th century country house. My parents were not there, nor did I have any siblings.. I was the lone child... and it was my aunts who took care of me... (think James and the Giant Peach kind of auntys)... that's the setting. The conflict... I'm an 18 year old kid who couldn't get out of the house... but every night, I plan and I plan for some freaking way to... And one night, when my auntys came home drunk in their stupid excuse for a utility van/car... ( i don't know how to describe the car... it was kind of like a cross between a Kia Pride, a CR-V, and a Mitsubishi L-300... and it had the color of rust) ...what luck! they're stone drunk... So when they went off to sleep, I got on one of the big bikes they have in the lower garage and zoomed my way out... as I passed by the corner of the subdivision's first street, a green motorcycle with red stripes zoomed past me, it was followed by a grey one... The green one caught my attention... I was confused as I could not see where the driver was... turns out that the motorcycle was top down!! (alright!)... I could see the bumps where the arms and the legs were to fit in... but it was sealed tight...

Anyway, I stopped by the Video One store to check my bike when Kit and Jan popped up... when I looked up, the stores at the front of Video One disappeared... all there was was a plain surrounded by trees and a road leading to somewhere. Kit asked where we would be going... I said, downtown... so the three of us hopped on my bike and we started to go to the city proper... It turns out that the road leads to Juna Subd... and when we got out of the main entrance, I took a left... Jan pointed out that it was the wrong way, I had to take the right.. so I squeezed the brake that didn't seem to quite do its job and made a u-turn somewhere in front of the building that sells furniture... when we pressed forward, I noticed that people were running towards the direction opposite from where we were going... then I looked up and saw this wicked tornado... oh, yeah... I couldn't reach the foot break so I screamed at Kit to do it for me... the tires of the bike squealed as I tried to put as much distance as possible between us and the tornado.

When I couldn't see the tornado anymore, I turned to this small country shack and we all hid under planks of wood, hoping that the tornado wouldn't suck us in... we waited, we waited... then, the two couldn't take it anymore, they went out and left me... I was scared... I might die... I still haven't hugged my girlfriend yet. Then the planks of wood were shoved off... it was Kit and Jan, they said it was all over. I heaved a big sigh of relief and walked out and around the house. The tornado was subsiding over a corn field... I couldn't describe how it looked, but it was cinema-like... outstanding special effects...

So we went back on my bike and we proceeded downtown... the place was a total wreck... We stopped by what was once ateneo de davao grade school... the whole face of the building was gone... (come to think of it, it didn't look like a tornado went by but a bomb went off inside the campus)... we left the deserted place and took a scenic view of the city... only a small portion was hit... probably fron the buhangin flyover to nccc matina... the rest was intact... but the only mall that was open was SM... so we went there. I don't know how this happened but Caltex's Starmart was on the side of SM... Jade was there... but I didn't hug her... there was this huge sign behind the counter that said, "NO VISITORS ALLOWED"... ??!? ...so I just said goodbye and be safe and we went inside SM... we parked our bike by one of those round seats, and then we headed off to pizza hut to eat... The place was crowded, like one of those refugee camps... but the food was great, and to top it off, FREE!.. then this guy came by our table and introduced himself as my brother... the face looked familiar because he was my dad... but he introduced himself as my brother.

So, we had a chitchat and decided to go home... we all walked towards my bike, I was behind the three, who surprisingly got on well with each other... when we neared the bike, my eyes grew with surprise, one of my aunts was leaning in front of it, seemingly familiarized by the bike... I tip-toed away from them but my "brother" shouted at me, "Hoy Kai, di'ba sa iyo to?" ... my aunty caught me... and I was about to surrender when something popped into me.. "Fight Kai, fight!"... so I shoved her away and started screaming things like, "This is not 18th century, you mummified asshole," or, "I've got a life of my own, bitch!"... yadda-yadda... she was dumbfounded... when I noticed that I said, "You're not dumbfounded aunty, JUST DUMB!!!"... then I woke up. The gate was opening and closing and tatay was saying something to the kids... I was still sleepy, and was wondering what the next dream would be... so I just plopped back to bed.

Dream Three:

Scene... aicha's house... we were debating on what to do... then I said, "Hey, i-copy natin yung mga mp3s namin sa hard drive nyo..." she thought about it first... she said, "The last time I touched the computer, it cost me 200 pesos..." ... whatever that meant... but still, we inched towards the computer and just as we were about to touch it... the door opened and her "brother" came in... we snapped back and slowly left the room... as we did, his brother put the monitor down... I was surprised because the monitor was showing something but the CPU wasn't turned on.. and what was it showing? AXN... huh?.. aicha's brother explained that it was a computer-television hybrid... aaaah, makes sense... So I joined aicha by the sala, she was handling these two decks of cards... one deck, the one that was on the table, had images of kama-sutra... the other were dinosaurs, magic stuff, etc... the one she was shuffling... and then suddenly we were in some kind of RPG (think final fantasy X... the grafix, the music.. everything... it didn't look really real... just amazingly realistic)... heheh... I was Kakeru, the hero, Jade was my leading-lady, Aicha was there too, she was the keeper of the necklace... the other characters I had no idea...

There was a stream, and we were all sleeping... (this part I had to go through five times before I got it right... heheh... think of a savegame that you do over and over again until you get it...)... there was this pterodactyl/human hybrid that was trying to kill us... so I died five times... and on the sixth try, I noticed that if somebody moved even a bit, it would kill us all. So I chose the wait for it... wait for it... it landed on the ground close to me.. wait for it.. then when it bent over to sniff, i shouted "NOW!" and took hold of the brute's arm. The rest of the party came and helped out... we punched him, broke his bones, (one of the characters was some kind of mage, he kept throwing rose petals that surprisingly seemed to harm the brute) ... threw him into the stream where he vanished into thin air. Then the ground shook... a bright light shone from somewhere down the stream... we all scampered to a ditch... then a voice boomed... "Kakeru Mitchiko, bind the necklace with a rose bloom and come here...".. Aicha was already walking her way to the source of the light... i got there and stopped her and shouted... "Didn't you hear? I'm supposed to do it!"... She reluctantly handed the necklace over to me. I ran for the mage and asked for a rose bloom, whatever that was... injured, he told me to pull out a piece of the colored tatters that were sewn onto his robe... whatever... and then I went to Jade, who was crying, saying "What would I do? Without you I'm nothing... maybe when you're gone I'll just keep on drawing your face over and over..." I replied, "I will be back... don't worry." And then I hugged her ever so tightly...

"Kakeru, I'm waiting..." the voice boomed again...

Reluctantly, I let go and tied the colored tatter on the pendant and jumped right through... (now in this RPG, you can open the menu even if there is an active event going on... so I scrolled down and saw that what I got was a rose petal... not a rose bloom. Where was this going to lead?... it was that RPG that branched off depending on what you did... no game is ever the same.) The bright light engulfed me and then I lost conciousness...

When I was coming to, I was in a cell... three people were outside, one of them was saying, "She's coming to."... the first-person view turned into third-person.. It was Jade who was inside the cell... and she had a haircut...

The guy who spoke first said, "how do you feel? do you know who you are?"

Then Jade replied, "I'm a class AA robot who is programmed to do your biddings."

Another guy spoke, "Excellent, Jaques... you're brilliant!"

The guy named Jaques laughed, "Ha ha ha... of course! With this technology, we can mass produce cyborgs and sell them cheap!"

The first guy opened the cell door and said, "For your first assignment, go to Half-City and collect the money from ____?____."

"Yes, sir!" Jade walked away... and the screen blacked out.

When it came back, Jade was on this platform with an NPC on it, along with a portal... the directions of the NPS was that she were to enter this portal, get the Half-gem and come back...

After that, the dream ended altogether... and I noticed that the watch was saying 1:05.... hehehe....

Reality Bayts

Over the years, I have learned na pag “attach-na-attach” ka sa isa ka tao, sa gusto man nimo maseryoso o dili, kay naay kauban na sakit sa kasing-kasing. Kung dili man sa uban, at least kabalo ko what I felt, am feeling, ug posibleng ma-feel sa future. Sad to say, dili man ginapursige ang tao na main-love ug taman habang naa pa ta sa edad na ni (20 pababa). Every situation na maagihan nato ay either asset or liability sa atong pag-mature. Kaning mga maagihan nato ay kanang mga “makers or the breakers of our very existence” habang ga-hinga pa ta. To put it straight to the point, sa milyones nga tao diri sa kalibutan, sharo man na pare-parehas ang views… mao ni ang akong naobserbahan:

Naay kanang “need to find the one” kay mao nang “the one” ang magiging first, only, and last individual na mag-take sa dako nga lugar sa heart.

Naay eksaktong baliktad anang nauna na ang goal ay maka-acquire sila ug experience para maganahan na katong si “the one”. Ang basehan ani kay either ma in-love siya sa kadaghang tao, or dili kaayo committed na as-in magkauyaban na gyud where ang isa kay mag-dominate, unya ang pares kay himuon maski unsa in the name of love. (Sabot?)

Naay hadlok gyuuuuud kaayo sa idea na makipag-bulag… unsamay nangitabo? Wala na gyud sya’y care masking gwapa o gwapo to the max ang nagapa-igat sa iyaha. (Mangitabo ni kasagaran sa wala pa gyuuuud nagka-uyab.) Ang gina-isip sa tao kay “What if…” (What if ani sya? What if mag ing-ani sya? What if… you know what I mean.)

Naa tong mga gusto lang walay challenge magka-uyab. Manguyab lang na sila pag naa na sa duol ang target ug dali lang ma-wrap sa little finger.

Naa pud nang mga feel nila nakaabot na sila sa point na ang word na “love” kay pamaagi lang para makapaduol ug tao sa imoha para lang bulagan ka taod-taod pag sawa na siya. Mao ni sila ang feeling like ginamit sila, nahugawan, ug gilabay sa basurahan.

Naay mga martyr na, amidst all circumstances fate, destiny, and inevitability would throw at them, wala gihapon sila ma-tagam. Ingnan nimo na sila ug “NO” kay murag gina-imbetahan sila mag-padayon ug taman. Mu-undang ra na sila pag gipakyu-han (insert dirty finger here). Pero, amazingly, mupadayon na sila next week.

Naay wala nakasabot sa iyahang relationship… mami-miss ba nila ang tao o dili? Kungsabagay, naa ra na sya diha.

Naay dili committed pero they act as if. Confused pag gi-substitute para sa uban. Wala sila kasabot kung magselos ba sila o dili.

Naa ning (kabalo ko familiar mo ani) hilig sa phrase na ni: “Unsaon man nako diay kung naay uyab? Asawa man gani maagaw, uyab pa kaha?”

Naay manguyab, o magkauyab, seryoso man o dili. Mulaag sa park karon kauban “sya”, ugma lain na sad ang “sya”. Walay kaso diri ang bulagan… anad na sila. Kung pangutan-on nganong wala ray kaso? Tubangon lang nila, “Kay ngano man? Mingyo-on ba diay mi?

Naay mga natural na manhid sa mga “vibes” sa ilahang paligid. Wala nila ma-feel kung naa bay nagaparamdam sa ilaha masking magrampa pa ni siya sa ilahang atubangang na naka-hubo. Bunala ra gud, diba ma-sense na nila… temporarily.

Naay murag tanga na maging emotionally depressed pag wala na nila nakita for a day. Mura na siya gikulata ug taman o gi-torture kay dili na mu-kaon, wala nay gana tibuok adlaw… mura lagi’g patay.

Naay naga-“go for the gold”… literally.

Naay mga loyal, unshakeable, ever-pleasing, unmovable and irrefutable na mga tao (shaks! English to ah…) na wala nay lain hinimo sa kinabuhi kundi ang palipayon ang ilahang partner… in short, itoy, boy, maid… TIG.

Naa ning mga masking kahibalo na sila gina-two time sila for the nth time pero mao lang gihapon ang unod sa kasing-kasing.

Naay mangita ug uyab para lang sa ilang kalingawan… tsk tsk tsk…

Naay hilig kaayo sa “multitasking”… (kasabot naman siguro ka.)

Kanang kamo na familiar sa linya na ni… “Baby, I can’t live without you talaga!”… pusang iring, pangita ug lain nga ingnan ana… gumana na yan sa FAMAS.

Naay gamay na naay lain-lain nga kauban para sa lain-lain nga tuyo (dili bulad na tuyo)… one for the intelligent conversation, one for hugging sa movies, one for those “hot” times, one for those “lonely” times, one night’s stand, one for the money, two for the show…

Naay mga natakwil na unya nagtanom ug generalized dumot sa mga parehas atong nagtakwil. Ang ilahang number one lifetime goal kay palisudon gyud ug taman kato silang mga parehas sa nagtakwil… or hangtud naay mag-knock ug sense sa ilaha.

Naay torn between…

Naay himuon tanan… I mean TANAN, para lang maiyaha ang iyahang gusto.

Naa pay daghan… dungaga ra gud…

INSomNIa

Through my veins
Run the blood of
The Night

I bask in the
Cold wind
That relentlessly
Tries to make me
Shiver

Am I cold?

Lying on the
Icy pavement,
I gaze up at the
Cloud-covered skies,
Coo at bats that
Wander blindly,
Bark at caterwauling cats and
Hiss at sniffing dogs.

Without a doubt,
I have been bitten
By a vampire.

But what kind of
Creature of the night
Am I that can
Walk tall in the day?

I crack my knuckles
In annoyance
As I shuffle through
Empty parking lots

Dark-rimmed eyes
Stare back at me
Mirrored windows

I meet it’s gaze,
Fire and brimstone burns into my
Soul and reminds me
That I’m still alive…

Without question,
I bleed as I run the
Razor through my soft
Flesh… watching the crimson
Fluid drip

It’s no use hurting myself
For I don’t feel any pain

I am haunted by
A thousand merciless
Cronies of Morpheus,
Each one having the same
Face, the same voice…

They touch me with
Surprisingly warm hands
And although I run away,
They are always there…
Calling my name,
Touching my face.

And when I sleep,
I’m awake…
It’s pointless to
Close my eyes at night
For I only find myself
Wide awake… strolling
From dream to dream to dream,
Meeting the same one people,
Talking in words that only
The sleepers can understand.

And when I wake,
I’m asleep…
For even when I open my eyes,
They are still there…
The one people…
The one thousand people that
Look the same.

I reach out to touch them
But it seems
That they don’t want
To be touched
Only I could feel their touch,
But I can’t touch them…

3AM: Stopping By Davao Famous To Eat Lomi

It’s been a while
Since my hand
Danced with yours,
Playfully pinching
And tickling…

I keep thinking of those
Moments that never seem
To vanish from my mind
Distant echoes of your voice
Linger in my ear,
Mosquitoes that whisper
In the night.

Your lips,
I long to kiss
For it has been quite
Too long since.

We live different lives,
Controlled by different fates
Yet, amidst all the
Uncanny circumstances
That revolve around our
Mixed-up life
We got together,
I daresay we are one.

But what I thought
Wouldn’t be quite a big deal
Is now turning out to
Be…

Sleepless nights,
I toss and turn
Sometimes, I go out
And gaze at the stars
That dot the indigo sky,
A dark sheet of paper
The gods
Playfully pricked with
Pins. (As I count
Them, I wonder if you
Are out as well.)

There, I see our star…
Never fading,
Shining, seemingly
Trying to best the moon’s
Brilliant glow.

Then I stop and wonder,
If we are like that star…

Would we shine as bright the next day?
The next week?
The next month?
The next year?

It’s 3am and I am lonely…
Why do I feel this way?
I’m not in love…
Neither do I intend to be
In the near future.

Would I know if I am
In love?
Should the face I see
Every time
I close my eyes at night
Be a sign that something’s
Amiss?

And when I dream,
Should your presence
Be a sign? For
I rarely dream.

They say dreams are
A fabrication of man’s
Deepest desires. The
People we see are those
Who we want to be with,
Or might see in the future.

Funny,
I never used to dream
Of you,
Why are you here?
Am I dreaming then?

…if I am, I’m not waking up.


-o0o-

Homesickness

I admt... summer sucks...

Imagine, of the 6 jobs I applied to, none of them returned calls... NONE!! I practically spent the past week walking around the streets of this godforsaken place looking for one... did I find anything?... NONE!!!!

Hehe... I know it takes time... I know you have to wait... but I can't wait any longer... I'm dying here... I'm homesick... and I'm very sick of it!!

At least I have this internet access I can go to with only payment for fare in mind... wow... it's been a looooong time since I could download freely, directly to my hard drive again.... because of this, I was able to download the song my friend really wanted to hear because the title is her name... aicha... :P

Well.. I'm just sitting here waiting for something amazing to happen within the next 30 minutes.. it seems like hell... oh oh... nothing happened... *smirks and bashes head against keyboard* adgisdhku2wefh zx.,mawe ;obrzsgdjkbseG:
wea: O 2y;8owaGE" Yzbds/n G JLsy;sdgoA h

ouchies... I dunno.. mebbe I need fresh air or....

wheee!!! ICE CREAMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yummm... *licks drumstick* it has lotsa nuts!! kupo!! i love nuts!!! kupoooooo!!!!

Summer Blues

ok, this is it... summer break...

another two months of no money honey... NOOOOHHH!!!!!!! I can't stand it...

anyway, it's been a long long time since my last bit... and can I say that a lot of things happened? of the most valuable web coach day? of the wierdest week ever in my life? of the amazing disappearing act of the money in my wallet? of the thesis and the project in literature?

geez... i don't know where to start!

ok... chronological... the wierdest week in my life...

Jade and I, we were close... yup... too close, in my opinion. How it all happened, I have no idea... things just started to get cozy. We were like boyfriend-girlfriend for a bit of time... probably started during the Ms.Gay concert. At that time, I was what she liked to call "mock-boyfriend"... that's for some reason that's too lengthy to discuss. So, anyway, the wierdest week started after the Theology exams... or so, I think... it was afternoon, um, wednesday evening... the class was starting to go home and we had this idea brimming in our minds to go to the park. Unfortunately, nobody wanted to go... but still, Jade and I went there... I was explaining to her the details on Much Ado About Nothing because she didn't get to finish the movie. And then when we got there, we sat on a bench and mulled the time away with bits of conversations... the usual... then it happened!.. ooooh... must have been that little bit in me that so much wants to speak up... we were this *raises pointy fingers 1mm to each other* close... y'know?... that bit in me that is so talkative asked for a kiss... stupid, eh?... mwah.. what happened?Ü anyway... it was not so bad... on the contrary, it was good!.. unspeakable at that time, but I could say that was one of the best feelings I had since I don't know when!... we stayed at the park until 10.30.. 11, at most. I could feel the eyes of the people around burning into us... hell I cared! but then, we were no longer just plain friends... i know the consequence... things wouldn't be the same. But, hoping that things would stay the same...

the day after was thursday... oh, boy... the same thing happened... no asking for kisses anymore.. where, of all places?.. heheh... the 6th floor rooftop of school... beat that! it was after their social dance practice... she said something about 'candy lips'.. my lips? candy?... i dunno, but that reminded me of john mayer's song... so i mentioned about 'bubblegum tongue' and she glared at me... "oh, no no no... we're not a couple!" ..i just laughed... of course...

(by that time, the class was starting to smell fishy things.. the dogs that they are... we still answered them with a no each time they asked because that was the truth... they didn't believe... so we answered with a yes... they still didn't believe... ha! what's wrong with them eh?)

then came friday... hell broke loose... we had a lengthy discussion on what we really were.. are. I tell you, that discussion gave me quite the headache... were we to go steady? would we keep this charade up?... oh, headache... fortunately ms. k.n. came by and became our first shrink for a few minutes... ta-daa! one + one = one...Ü my very own and first "real-honest-to-goodness" girlfriend!..

then came the part where we had to decide how to tell the gang.. oh, let them decide what they think... we'll just be frank with those who ask... by this time, I think they all know.. and I'm happy if they do!

... then, the most wanted web coach day...

ok, so the class had this deadline for a web site... and quite a few of my classmates decided to cram it all into the day of the deadline. I finished mine the day before... All I hoped to accomplish that day was to upload the flash file and submit the site to our professor.. but no.. they all went "Kahlil!" .. i was going to and fro their sites... making changes, buffing up the errors in their codes... trying to figure out why the images didn't quite show up... arghhh!!!!! i was supposed to be resting! but still... helpful 'lil me was patient with all of them... came 5pm, I thought it was all over... but nooooo... ms.gaybitch texted for help quite a while later.. around 8pm... her/his site was in turmoil.. if there's one thing I don't quite like, it's a page that's crowded with useless codes made by frontpage... I prefer the long method myself... I didn't get to finish it coz of all the strings... and Jade was starting to get irritated herself... poor girl.. she was right there by my side the whole time I was running to and fro... I could tell she was tired.. and she was right... I shouldn't force myself. It's not my grade on the line... ms.gaybitch was offered help during the morning but he/she wouldn't take it... I thought to myself as well, these guys were free the days before.. sheesh... our class really loves to cram things...

... then, the project in literature..

we were to remake a scene in Much Ado About Nothing... and we (me, christian, francis, arnello) were starting from scratch the day before the deadlline... whee!! so much for my cramming... at least Christian Canave, the arts expert, had taken care of the poster and the costume design and the stage design... I, on the other hand, took care of the Concept page and the remodified script... took me the whole evening until 3am... i don't know what our grade would look like... I did what I could... Arnello did a good job on the who will direct and produce stuff... I helped with the cast of characters... no offense to francis who tried to make a two month rehearsal schedule.. i didn't quite understand what he did... Some grade we will get... I took a peep into the project of Aicha's group... wow... that was class A stuff!... it could very well pass as a black&white magazine for japanese kimono's and artwork.. kudos to their efforts put very very very well... *bows*

... then, the disappearing money...

I don't know what happened to the 700+ bucks in my wallet... i know I lost 200 somewhere... so, 500... a good 150 went for the spending of time in the internet cafe's... 350 still.. hmmm... the extra food I needed... eh?... there's no question about it... I'm a spender..

I don't know what lies in store for my summer... I just don't want to go to Manila for the summer... I have an inkling on how hot it gets there at these times... so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk... no kidding.

.:: WahoooO!! ::.

Finally! It's all over..

The damned week that I thought would never end... it drained me of all the reserve mental and physical energy that I was storing for the looooong summer ahead.

LAst week I had the closest encounter of what would seem like my showbiz career... imagine me, running to and fro... wahahah!!! Most wanted person eh?... I'm still feeling the side effects... I still can't write, html strings are still dancing in front of my eyes... waaaaaarghhhh!!!

I had a blog typed that time... but the freaking net cafe busted a joint... my novellete of a blog was wiped out from bitworld!!!... T_T <=- tears

They RAPED ME!!!!!!!!.... that's how I felt at the end of the exhausting day... (no, I have never been raped... :P) but there was that consolation... yep yep yep... I would like to extend my deepest and most sincere thanks to my girlfriend... sya yung battery ko for the day kasi low batt na talaga ako... come to mention.... I never told the world about it eh?

In case whoever is reading doesn't know... you should!... My best guess is that the secret is wide open... kung dili ninyo gihapon masabtan... good for you, dili mo iro... :P ... I already have a girlfriend!! Whoop-dee-doo!!... first time ko, pag-pasensyahan nyo na po....

So, it's summertime again... that time of year where I don't get any allowance because there's no school!... unless of course I take up subjects in advance which my parents won't allow... hmmmm..... guess it's school or work for money... and since school is out of the question....

I HAVE TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOO?!?!?!?!? quote: Is money such a rarity nowadays that young people like me have to work to get it?

huhuhu.... that's why I'm bye-bye for now.... gotta look good for my 2x2 picture... hehehe... ADIOS!!!

brand new oldie

How do you like my new blog?

It's not that much but I think it's waaaaay better than the last one... some people I know got a bit jealous... it's no big thing I changed... the flash animation is even sooooo basic... People don't know how exhausting making a flash animation can be... but that's a-ok.... simple as hell.Ü

I love the technology these days... if only my goddammed house had a telephone line... sheeesh!!!

A Tale of Two Sisters

So we went off to watch this said Blockbuster Horror Movie of The Year"... good lord, it really was! I just sat through most of the film... glued to my chair like someone put superglue on it. I got scared man! Really... I'm not chickenshit or anything but that's the way it goes... I remeber even laughing at some part.

But there were those instances that I couldn't move... I said to myself, that's a horror movie. Better than The Ring, or The Exorcist even... I don't really like horror flicks but this one jump started my curiosity for more... so, what better thing to do than to rent all the horror flicks at the nearby video house and scare myself silly in the middle of the night?Ü

I borrowed Firestarter2 (Rekindled) thinking that is was horrorific since it's a Stephen King book-turned-movie... it wasn't at all... hmmm... I also borrowed My Little Eye. This movie follows Blair Witch's camera/reality style... I don't know what my level of scariness is but for me, that was SHIT!!!!!! I was like, sweating in the february cold... it also gets kind of gruesome in the end, but that only added to the fright...

The last cd I borrowed was The Stand... it's not scary but I just wanted to see what difference it made when I watched it know because when it was shown for the first time, I couldn't dare to... i guess this starts my horror addiction eh?

NOSTALGIA BLUES (redundancy repeated) Ü

Nanay is gone... to manila for her interview, then most probably she would stay there until she gets accepted... then, she'd be off to USA.

Life sucks... I always thought and mentioned that my life would take a little trip on the wild side... well, hooray for me! it just fucking did... now I don't know what will happen... What would happen to all of us? She never stayed away for that long... I never lacked a mother for that long either... Would I live the same way I did? Somehow, it seems that I've died somewhere inside... I might be exaggerating a little bit but that's how I feel... On the outside, I don't show it... I never show my soft side to the outside world... I can't even remember any time I cried in front of my friends... No matter how depressed and oppressed I feel... I don't cry in public. I never do.

Now, that squeezing feeling in my chest is starting to grow tighter... But now, even with nobody around... I can't cry.. No tears fall... Am I really that indifferent? I'm a stranger even to myself... Who am I? What am I? Where do I really belong?

I don't know how to answer that... It seems like all my life I've been drifting from personality to personality... changing as quick and invisible as the wind blows... loving in and out... one time loving too much... too much in a sense that I never really recieved any love in return... Nobody ever loved me like Nanay... it was Nanay who gave me all that. Nobody ever could...

In my previous quests to find that person whom I could share my life with, even if it is not for better or worse, richer or poor, sickness and in health... I've stepped into many lives... actually, we treaded on each other's footprints and shadows, moulding each other... producing what we/I am today...

the only place I've stayed with for a long time is home... my peer groups constantly change... for the benefit of being with everybody, I sometimes have to lie to myself and to the rest... create a front that is acceptable because that's what I always want to be... acceptable to everybody! I want that so much that I can recall times that I make up stories just for people to listen to me, times when I booze and smoke a storm just to be "in", times that I laugh with people even though it's not an appropriate topic to laugh about, times I didn't even think I would be doing... all those times I did so that I could feel like I'm real. So that I can feel like I'm somebody and not just some nobody jerk who is just going with the flow of life.

Now that she's gone... I'm starting to long for that feeling of emptiness to go away... For someone I could love and who would love me in return... But I want that to be real if not realistic... I might just go on the fast track to falling in love just to have someone there to hug and kiss and do all the stuff couples do, just to cover up the sadness... I'm even starting to think that I am doing that shit right now. It's not worth it! It's not worth to have someone cover me up... what if something happens and that someone gets hurt... most probably she would be a friend... would we still be friends after that? It's hard... harder even if you've become more than friends...

Dammit... it's like I've been busted by a girl... but how the hell would I know how that feels because I've never been busted!... I never really made effort to have one because I know, deep down inside, that there would always be a girl I could run to... she would make tea, or sandwiches, or just listen to me rant about how fucking life is, or just give me a hug... a hug, simple as that, and I would feel all better.

I'm a jerk... an idiot... stupid.... dumb... I write and say stuff about doing things now before it's too late... And I can't count how many times I broke what I said... all those moments are now far from reach... and I can't do anything about it.

Grumble

I just realized... I'm a trying hard poet...

I once thought that poetry is just something of a past time.... like when something pops, just write it down... but now, I realize that its not just the writing... also the understanding...

This morning at lit, I got an earful from my teacher about me being so literal at explaining haikus.... man, was I slapped to the ground... I don't think I would be able to write poetry the same way again...

Dream Log: Stardate 02022004

I woke up this morning, fresh from dreaming!... and man, was it a dream!...

I never experienced autumn before... I doubt that I'm ever going to... but last night's dream was all about it... the slow falling of autumn leaves, crunching underneath my feet and whipping across my face... that's just about what happened all in my dream...

The trees of our school was bare, and the ground was covered in a brown and red sheet... beautiful... just, beautiful.... I was walking all around, nobody in sight... then someone takes me by the hand and we run around like madmen, tossing leaves up into the air... I never got to see her face... but I was sure she was a girl... there was this faint sound of a laugh, but that's all...

yawn!

I'm tired of school... I wish that it was all over, ALL OF IT!...

come to think of it, only a little bit of what we've learned in school can be applied to grown-up lives... It's amazing, once you think about it, that the school is not responsible for what you are... Ateneo is a Jesuit school... but look at the products... the few highly-recognized are, well... few!... what about the others?... boom.... they're just teenagers and students who just want to have fun in life... I'm not saying I'm not included...

Thanks,... nasaniban lang po...

bored shit...

It's a Saturday... I'm supposed to be frolicking in some waterfalls but no! My other friends didn't mind to inform me that the trip will be going as planned... so, here I am, BORED SHIT!

I have a very long list of need right now and one of that is a telephone line at home!... apart from a new computer since mine is so outdated...

BORED SHIT!... I don't even know what to write... grrr...

Fag time!

What the hell is wrong with me? with this world?... dammit...

I really don't know what to feel... 'tis like I'm turning round and round on some gigantic wheel I could not stop from turning...

Speaking of what's with this world... last night, some guy tried to get me into his car... he said he wanted to be my friend... and he'd drive me all the way home...! Good thing I didn't give him the right place... and I did not even think of getting in.. (come to think of it, I could have saved 10 pesos... :P)... but why, oh why, did I tell him my real name? That guy's a fag... I could smell it!

I was in for a perturbed night... good thing I got to talk to a friend I really really like.. Ü

if only I could get that little bit of big thought out of my mind... you know, the thing that happened...

Dammit!

40 freaking pesos slipped through my fingers and into the hands of this filthy school!

If I only knew that I the movie we were supposed to watch was the one I watched four times back in high school, I wouldn't have given a shit to watch it... I'd rather sit through The Last Samurai three times!.... so, I wasn't able to watch Last Samurai with Jade... sa tuesday nalang daw......

But I still miss that 40 pesos... sayang din yun, pwede na pang malativas, or Last Samurai...

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

I'm going to watch the Last Samurai tomorrow with my buddy, Jade... I hope that more would go with us 'coz it's going to look like we're on a date.... err.... technically, yes we're going on a movie date...

Anyway... My mind is still full of the fifth installment of the Harry Potter series... I guess I could use it as a distraction for what ever hell happened...

My lil bro, Mico, borrowed the book from their library... It's hardly a year old and it already looks like it passed through the hands of the entire university!

So there I go, picking up the book and started reading where I left off... (Chapter 12, four months ago)... and I figured what the hell, I'll read it from the start once more! I grabbed a plate from the kitchen and filled it with whatever food was served on the table. I turned on the computer since I was thinking I still had a little bit of homework to do... I sat down in front of the screen and started reading while it booted. 30 minutes later, while Harry was being detained by Madame Umbridge, the frog-faced Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, I still hadn't touched my food, the computer was still on and burning the electricity... I got slapped back momentarily into reality... I noticed that the little ants that come from somewhere in our house had made a snack out of the bits of rice that spilled from the plate... I set the ants aside and shoveled the food into my mouth like I just ended a hunger strike for three months... swish, chew, chomp, gulp... gone in 3 minutes... I turned off the computer, took the plate into the kitchen, brushed my teeth and went to bed... My finger was still on that detention page.. I passed by the clock on top of the fridge and its arms read 10:30...

I then took a part of that very thick book and started reading, and reading, and reading, shifting positions on my bed, reading again... giggling like a little kid whenever Harry and Cho Chan talked... most especially when Harry was standing under the mistletoe... guess what happened?Ü

I never noticed the time, you know... I was absorbing every bit of that book like it was a very important part of my life... I felt like I was there, and I could relate to Harry whenever Cho Chan is there... reminds me of the times I had back in high school (I was, and probably still am, torpe.... I found out that James was quite the bully... Snape had this dark secret... and Sirius Black died!... HE DIED!! for crying out loud!... and you'd think that he died in a heroic sort of way... nooooo.... it was a misfire! I could've wrung Rowling's neck if she were here!

The book was pretty dragging, if you ask me, but somehow... even though it's dragging, you'd want to read more and more to see if it's only that part which is dragging.... i finished reading the book when the first rays of light seeped through the horizon...

I was thinking to myself... DAMN! i have classes at nine!... but after reading the book, I just had to sleep!...

I woke up at 10... too late for my class, too early for the next...

and methinks I dreamed about being in Hogwarts myself....

T.T

granting that I'm in the right state of mind... which, undoubtedly, i'm not... I'm writing with the aid of one of my inner personalities...

I'm hanging there, in the loop... out of balance.. perturbed...

I don't understand why, of all the people the powers of nature can hit, I'd be the one... more to the point...

I know i should feel disgusted at myself... wallowing in my own tears if i could shed some...

I'm low... lower than low... lower than the freaking snake that crawls with his chin on the ground... no, lower... how do I say that there are a few things that happened recently that burned through my thick skull and got branded on my puny brain... can I really forget what happened even if i try my heart out?.... I feel so useless... I feel like a fucking loser...

I should feel happy, you know? but now that I think of it, the more it sinks in... I AM A LOSER...

An hour ago, I was a steam engine, puffing clouds of smoke out of my chimney... I can't calm down... I don't think I could sleep well tonight... talking doesn't help...

Help?

I feel like smashing my head against the computer screen... somebody stop me...

....

there I go... there's a crack in the screen...

Happy New Year!... uh?

okay, how about it?

I come to school with an empty brain and ready for the rest of the semester to come, rolling around the hills of nowhere screaming "I WANT SCHOOL!" with my backpack loaded with stuff I didn't dream of bringing... when, all of a sudden... the adrenaline rush dies down just like that... to hell with school!

I want to go on a vacation already! AAAAAAARRRRRGHHH!!!!

By the way, the two posts underneath this are to be taken with great care... hang on to your faith if you feel like hanging on to it... I don't want to be the reason why you changed... ayt?

Anyway, I don't feel like writing now because I just read Ms. Aicha's recent blogs and was, again, stumped, stupefied, and all the other words that relate coz I can't match up to her... hmmm, I wonder if she'd take me under her wing and show me how to fly coz I'm still grounded...

Murder my language... I'd want to be ressurected coz it doesn't seem to get anywhere near better... *spit* It seems that my muse of inspiration that took an extended vacation took another one for the new year... she said she's not coming back in the meantime... GRRRR!!!